Functional•Sensual•You

[dale coba]

Cover letter
Dear Amelia,
...
so I strongly recommend you to give this treatment a try.

"Giving something a try" implies that it is something you could try for a time, and then stop doing. That is not the situation they are discussing.

You have nothing to lose.

That seems so brutal, especially in a letter. I guess you mean, both of them know Amelia's body is terminally ill. She could value her humanity and fear the procedure, fear becoming a thing. When fear is involved, there can be fates which seem worse than death.

- Dale Coba

[--NightBattery--]

you know what you could use puppetman?
accessories!
robot girl accessories and consumables!
in ad form!

maintenance consumables,
the most polemical "catch" from accepting a company patch you out seconded very behindly by your brain not making the decisions that matter anymore.

[Silkscreen]

"Giving something a try" implies that it is something you could try for a time, and then stop doing. That is not the situation they are discussing.

The idea is the doctor is trying convince her and sell it to her this way. Do you know how to describe that without the "give it a try" phrase?

You have nothing to lose.

That seems so brutal, especially in a letter. I guess you mean, both of them know Amelia's body is terminally ill. She could value her humanity and fear the procedure, fear becoming a thing. When fear is involved, there can be fates which seem worse than death.

Accepted, I was pondering about that sentence, too. Suggestions?

[Silkscreen]

you know what you could use puppetman?
accessories!
robot girl accessories and consumables!
in ad form!

maintenance consumables,

Nice idea. Especially in that enamel plate design, it's like a comic. Y̶E̶S̶!̶ BATMAN!

the most polemical "catch" from accepting a company patch you out seconded very behindly by your brain not making the decisions that matter anymore.

No no, their identification with the KACHI brand is just high. With people being walking advertising pillars for sport brands even now, they would happily accept any decent company logo on their clothing in 2058, I think. And what could be more decent than a company which can manufacture a whole sexy female body? KACHI is Jack Wolfskin on steroids.

BTW: Did you notice? No KACHI logo on Ute's police uniform.

[dale coba]

"Giving something a try" implies that it is something you could try for a time, and then stop doing. That is not the situation they are discussing.

The idea is the doctor is trying convince her and sell it to her this way. Do you know how to describe that without the "give it a try" phrase?

There is nothing casual about this proposal. This is Amelia's [hybrid-object-life] or death. She is making a permanent and irrevocable choice, and the doctor knows that. It's not just the words, it's the tone.

You have nothing to lose.

That seems so brutal, especially in a letter. I guess you mean, both of them know Amelia's body is terminally ill. She could value her humanity and fear the procedure, fear becoming a thing. When fear is involved, there can be fates which seem worse than death.

Accepted, I was pondering about that sentence, too. Suggestions?

This letter, this (one-sided) conversation, needs to be re-conceived to make sense - needs for the doctor to project a different message, more logically consistent in tone with the gravity of Amelia's choice to become a cyborg or die.

That must come from you. I can't figure out how to balance the tones, a dissonant half-step apart. As I said before, you have it harder than when I imagine Stepford. Stepford is insane, the cult has won, and I don't have to reconcile natural, sane female reactions with the tone.

Maybe...add a time pressure... this is the doctor's second or third letter, she hasn't gotten a response. That gives her a more insistent tone, worried, sympathetic. Amelia still has a choice, but she doesn't get to choose WHEN she chooses - that needs to be soon; and with the deadline approaching, the doctor doesn't mind showing that she wants Amelia to "decide to live" (any sentiment like that, except "choose life" which is anti-abortion propaganda-language ).

- Dale Coba

[--NightBattery--]

well. i think it works the way it is, all the letter give us the idea that the doctor and the patient have a personal relationship of confidence, plus the very valuable and believable human mistake when writting.
but if you really feel a change is to be made
how about something like " so i strongly recommend you to apply, this is your best chance, giving your situation"?

[A.N.N.]

Wow, I'm not even a quarter of the way thru this, but it's awesome! A very thorough "brochure"! And very sexy...

[Silkscreen]

Okay, I propose a better cover letter:

Code: Select all

Dear Amelia,
as we discussed during our last week's appointment, I have procured information about the new treatment against your cancer.
Please read this brochure of Kachi Medical, who are the supplier of the neccessary prosthesis. The women talking there are perfectly satisfied with it. Of course, that pamphlet is a bit of advertisment, but I have investigated myself at the German hospitals which perform that kind of surgery already and they gave me only good news, too. Both physicians and patients are enthusiastic about it.
Amelia, your condition has gotten worse over the last few month, and we are running out of time and therapy options. I have read the brochure myself and I found it is a rather drastic change you would undergo but with all the good results my German colleagues had, I strongly recommend it. Please trust my evaluation and expertise. It is really the best treatment I can offer you.
I have confirmed your medical insurance policy would pay for all the expenses but the flight. As soon you have decided, I'm going to make an appointment for you at the University Hospital of Heidelberg, Germany for the actual surgery. Your stay there would be about 3 weeks, further rehabilitation would take place in Boston. Please call me if you have questions.
Amelia, I wish you so much luck, as always!
Yours Sincerely

[Silkscreen]

Boris, for you: Saskia would be happy to answer your indecent questions.

[dale coba]

That certainly makes sense. I'm sorry that you had to lose the tone you like, where it seems like a less controversial/difficult choice. The entire brochure has a story beneath the surface, the brochure deceives, but really the women will become more like machines than they expect. That subtext is important, I get that.

- Dale Coba

[dale coba]

I incorporated your changes into my attempt to smooth the flow of language. I'm sure I made more changes than needed - take anything you like, anything that says what you meant, and flows naturally for you.

Dear Amelia,
As we discussed last week during our appointment, I have procured the requested information about the newly available technology to combat your cancer.
Please carefully read and consider this brochure from Kachi Medical, the supplier of the necessary prosthesis. The women are universally satisfied with it. Of course, that pamphlet is a bit of advertisement; but I have personally investigated the German hospitals which already perform this kind of surgery. Both physicians and patients are enthusiastic about the results.
Amelia, your condition has gotten worse over the last few months. We are running out of time, and you are left with this one therapeutic option. I have read the brochure myself and I recognize it is a rather drastic change you would undergo; but with all the good results my German colleagues had, I strongly recommend it. Please trust my evaluation and expertise. It is really the best treatment I can offer you.
I have confirmed your medical insurance policy would pay for all the expenses except the cost of the flight. As soon you have decided to proceed, I will make an appointment for you at the University Hospital of Heidelberg, Germany for the actual surgery. Your stay there would be about 3 weeks,. Further rehabilitation would take place in Boston. Please call me if you have questions.
Amelia, as always, I wish you the best of luck!
Yours Sincerely

- Dale Coba

[Silkscreen]

Thank you! I've posted an updated version with your text on the wiki.

[Silkscreen]

Sorry if I bug anyone who volunteered to help me with correcting my texts. It has become awfully silent, someone still interested to have her/his name on the list of people who helped polishing this thing?

[DollSpace]

Sorry if I bug anyone who volunteered to help me with correcting my texts. It has become awfully silent, someone still interested to have her/his name on the list of people who helped polishing this thing?

Still working on it, but I nearly got heatstroke yesterday, and I'm temporarily focused on the charity I work for, but I am aware of it. It's on my screen 24/7

[Silkscreen]

Still working on it, but I nearly got heatstroke yesterday,

Same here. Put myself into the bathtub with cold water in it.

and I'm temporarily focused on the charity I work for

<images DollSpace being an automated nun>

[--NightBattery--]

Still working on it, but I nearly got heatstroke yesterday,

Same here. Put myself into the bathtub with cold water in it.

and I'm temporarily focused on the charity I work for

<images DollSpace being an automated nun>

*Do you require spiritual assistance?*

[Silkscreen]

Oh, it's a viking nun. Even has the runic equivalent of the cross as the sign of her cult.

[DollSpace]

Still working on it, but I nearly got heatstroke yesterday,

Same here. Put myself into the bathtub with cold water in it.

and I'm temporarily focused on the charity I work for

<images DollSpace being an automated nun>

I put myself right in front of the A/C unit and drank lots of water till my systems were rehydrated. Plus, my pupils auto-dilate to nearly maximum anyway (it's a glitch I've not gotten corrected), so that played a part in it, too. I wanted to collapse on my bed anyway.

And me, a nun? Hah...then again, part of my family is Irish...*giggle*

Oh, it's a viking nun. Even has the runic equivalent of the cross as the sign of her cult.

And most of the rest of my family is Finnish, so Vikings are okay by me, too.

[LongTimeLurker]

Just wanted to chime in and say - very nicely put together!

[DollSpace]

Thank you VERY MUCH!

Just edit the text as you find mistakes. I would then run both versions through a diff tool which shows me which paragraphs I have to change inside the DTP software.

IMPORTANT: please do not insert additional linebreaks, the individual lines have to remain the same for doing the diff.

When you say don't change the linebreaks, the linebreaks will be different on each system due to whatever OS each user is using as well as the size of their screen, so out of curiosity, how do you define the individual lines, especially if we have to edit a word that makes it longer or shorter and therefore makes the line longer or shorter? I think I was a few pages in and realised that and that's why I'm stuck. So could you clarify what you mean by "linebreaks"? I just want to make sure I'm formatting this correctly. For example, I can send you an example (the first part after the letter, for example) and you can tell me if I'm doing it correctly? I just input it into a text file, but maybe I should be doing it on the board itself?

Please advise.
Danke.

[Silkscreen]

Oh, sorry. When you copy+paste the text blocks above into your favourite text editor, you should get overfilled lines where you have to scroll horizontally. The lines are that long because the line breaks in the above "code blocks" are paragraph breaks in reality. Depending on the setting of your text editor, it may insert additional "fake" linebreaks instead of horizontal scrolling. As long as these automatically disappear when doing a copy+paste in the opposite direction, it's all going well.

If it gives you a headache, just ignore that requirement. I will reformat it the way I need it. And yes, you could just copy+paste it into a

Code: Select all

 block of a board message.

Thank you very much for doing that tedious work!

[apok]

I like what you've done with this. A thoroughly fleshed-out idea, great image manips, and a superb graphical layout that really pulls off the corporate advertising style. Your effort and skill really shine through here.

[Silkscreen]

Thank you for commenting, though it is not completely done yet, as DollSpace wanted to polish it even more.
Oh, and don't forget Dale who has already helped me with the cover letter.

Maybe I repost it: choose a girl

Ute
Mareike
Saskia
Renée
Aiko
Karen

and a mode

cheeky
seductive
strict

for an additional manip/short story/roleplay invitation. Whatever you like. Others are invited to say their opinion, too.
And of course, even if you nitpick you'll get some nookie. Truth is, I really liked to think about Dale's objections.

[CyborgWolf]

Wow- this, this is something else
It really is the second biggest file on wiki i've ever seen! xD

Actually it's the first.
So much stuff.
Such majesty.

I love it!

[Silkscreen]

Thanks, CyborgWolf.

I'm still looking for someone who helps me polishing the English a bit. May I ask you?