Densetsu no Batoru 4: Legendary Assassins!

[RoxxyRobofox]

Finally got around to part four! If you read this series or this is your first time tuning in, please leave your comments! Good, bad, nice or not-so-nice, all feedback is welcome and appreciated!

Part 3: Legendary Tournament!

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After he heard the tinny but calm feminine voice speak to him Interrobang had frozen in place. However, after a solid five minutes of playing statue, he came to the realization that he was alone in the room, and possibly the whole ship. Once he ascertained that none of those robot girls had come home he cleared his throat. “Yo! Uh, hey, you saucy ghost voice! Identify yourself!” he shouted at the ceiling.

The voice spoke again. “I am AI model XB-88-A, programmed for interplanetary travel calculations, ship system monitoring and a variety of assistance protocols. Please identify yourself.”

Interrobang cleared his throat and rolled his neck. Once he regained his composure he stroked his index finger across the rim of his shiny sunglasses. “My name is Interrobang Updog! I am the greatest pirate to ever live... y'know, besides Queen Nosferatu.” He started to pat himself down to find some salt to throw over his shoulder for invoking the name of the dreaded pirate lich.

“Processing... processing. Identification found. Pirate Interrobang Updog, D-rank pirate threat, issued a Bronze Bounty for accidentally dinging the paint on Lord Balrog's royal cruiser.”

“That smoky blowhard came right into snailspace right in front of my ship! HE owes ME an apology!” he spat back at where he assumed the speakers were.

“Please relax mister Updog. I am merely reciting your galactic permanent record. If there are inconsistencies then it is not because of me.”

“Yeah yeah, okay. My bad.” He rubbed the back of his head and pouted. “So uh, hey miss Exbie!” He switched quickly to a grin, finding his nickname for the AI clever. “Could you do me a favor and NOT mention I stole all of the girls' saucy underpants? Like I gotta have this whole scene where I call them up and be all like 'Foolish robot babes!' so I can really feel clever, ya dig?”

Exbie quickly chimed in with a pleasant beep. “If you wish to remain hidden from the owners of this vessel then quickly make your way to the cockpit. Two of them are approaching the personnel entrance.”

“Wh-wh-what?” His eyes went wide as saucers and his sunglasses threatened to slip off of his long nose, but he grit his teeth and sucked in air until his chest puffed out, then broke into a sprint out of the room and to the left.

“Other way.”

Interrobang skidded to a halt, spun on a heel and bolted the RIGHT way this time. He dove for the cockpit and the doors slid closed just as Ifrita entered the ship, carrying the still-damaged Serval.

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Ifrita was doing her best to look stoic with the small, damaged fereian purring happily in her arms. She walked across the entrance and into the repair room where their three auto-repair stations were located and laid Serval out onto the one programmed to repair her. As she laid flat on the cushions, several dozens of micro-manipulators rose up from under the table, topped with a dizzying array of scanners and tools. Ifrita leaned against the wall and watched as the tools detected bangs, dents and tears in Serval's grey-furred body,

The door to the repair bay opened about halfway into the repairs. Lynne and Reno stepped through, looking first to Ifrita and then to Serval. Seeing her damaged, Lynne ran up and placed her hands on the edges of the table. “Serval! Hey, are you okay?” she asked worriedly.

“Ye-ye-ERROR yes! I am fine thanks to Ifrita. She saved me from-from-from gangbots!” A spark fired out of her feline ear.

“Oi, yer a big hero now ain't yas?” Reno chuckled and her big frame whirred as she leaned over to nudge Ifrita with her elbow.

Ifrita closed her eyes and furrowed her brows. “Shut up.”

Lynne bounded over and poked the thermavore's cheek. “Oooh, you know heroes should get a kiss from the people they save! It's how it goes in the stories.”

“Shut. Up.” Ifrita insisted through clenched fangs.

“Oh-oh-oh don't worry ERROR miss Lynne! I-I-I already kissed her!” Serval chimed in pleasantly.

Ifrita's body briefly lit up with a red flame, making Lynne and Reno jump back. “Shut UP!” Her shoulders shuddered with anger, but the blush on her cheeks was undeniable.

“Oh come on! Stop being grumpy for like five minutes. We have good news!” She claps her hands together and smiles with distracting enthusiasm at Ifrita. She glared back for several long seconds before her facade broke and she arched her scaly eyebrow.

“...Fine. What.”

“We're gonna earn a butt-ton of spacebux in the Freebooter's League and be able to pay to have our ship fixed and docked here!” Lynne looked at her expectantly, waiting for any sign of approval whatsoever.

Ifrita snorted softly and her tail twitched. “Lynne, stop smiling like an idiot.”

Lynne immediately switched to a little frown. “Fooh. Here I was thinking you'd be excited to beat up a bunch of pirate dudes.”

Ifrita pushed off of the wall and headed out the door. “Just make sure the little furball is fully repaired before you drag her into your shenanigans.” Ifrita headed towards the dojo, and once she was out of sight, she allowed herself a sly smile.

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An hour later, the four girls found themselves in front of the Freebooter's League arena, packed in with a ton of other thuggish men and women, most heavily armed and all of them ready to fight. The air was charged with the feeling that the crowd might explode at any minute.

Once again, the squat man with the top hat took the same podium he was shouting from when Lynne and Reno found him the first time. “Ladies, gentlemen, hermaphroditic worm people and gender-neutral killmechs! Allow me to introduce myself as Mr. Grandstand! It sends shivers down my spine to think of the horrific violence I am contractually bound to allow you to perpetuate on one another!” At that, the crowd unleashed all that pent up energy with a brutish cheer that sounded more like a war cry than a festive shout.

“Now I know what you're all thinking if you possess any form of sentient thought. 'Mr. Grandstand, I’d absolutely love to punch literally anyone in the face as soon as possible! When can we get started?!' Well allow me to direct your psychotically obsessive bloodlust to...” He snapped his fingers and a long wand appeared in his grasp, which he pointed at a building behind the crowd. “The Rumble Room!”

The building was nearly ten stories tall and solid concrete. Every window had heavy bars in front of it and there were no front doors, just an open entrance.

“The rules are simple. Everyone has thirty seconds to enter the Rumble Room. Once you're inside, fight like crazy! Your goal's to knock everyone else out of the building by any means! Guns, knives, cybernetics, acid secretions, just blast then through the walls if you gotta! The last eight standing will move on to the final battle! And-time-starts-now-GO!”

The sound of an airhorn blasting woke everyone up and got feet moving fast. The crowd rushed forward while Lynne, Ifrita, Serval and Reno stuck together.

“Tch, these fools are nothing but pathetic thugs and cutthroats.” Ifrita sneered.

As they rushed through the front doors, Reno hummed and clacked her metal jaws. “Aye, the lot is a buncha troggs but I saw a few dangerous faces in the crowd. Look over there.” She nodded towards a hulking green monster with oily flesh, three times the size of a normal human being. The beast was attacked by five rough-looking thugs at once but with a single swipe of its arm the men were hammered back with enough force to send the straight through a concrete wall.

“Smorc the Facehunter. Last of his kind cause he ate all the others. That one...” Reno drew the girl's attentions to a buxom doll of a woman with wide curves, a far-too-thin waist and wavy blonde hair. “Dat's Hello Hello. Sexbot turned assassin and an incredibly dangerous one at that.” She was surrounded by a ring of thugs but seemed unbothered as she applied some lipstick with a compact open. The goons cackled as they drew pistols on her and fired. However the curvy babe simply jutted her chest out with a robotic buzz, and didn't even look up as the bullets blasted back at the people who shot them. The projectiles fired back into their weapons, causing the guns to shatter. Utterly shocked, the thugs panicked and fought over one another to escape through one of the barred windows.

“An' the worst one I've seen so far.” She gestured towards a lithe woman in a business suit, wearing a black biker's helmet and white dress cloves. “Her name's Arsenal Ark. The CEO of th' galaxy's largest an' richest weapons compn'y. Does mercenary work fer fun.” Arsenal Ark casually approached a rushing gang of thugs, and with a snap of her fingers an inhumanly large rocket launcher materialized over her shoulder. The resultant explosion it caused sent dozens of thugs out of the building, blown clear by the blast in every direction.

Lynne pumped her fists, then drove one right into the face of a thug rushing her. “Awesome! I wanna fight them right now!” She tried to go rushing off but before she could get very far, Ifrita's tail tripped her on her face.

Ifrita chided Lynne as she jumped to her feet. “You bimbo. Conserve your energy for the final battle. They're all on a league above anyone else here.”

“Except of course... for myself.”

The girls turned to watch as Illusion Grande approached them. Thugs ran at him but he turned away their attacks with calm, casual gestures, sparing them no attention as every gentle blow caused them to collapse in agony. “You simple machines are so predictable. I knew you'd be here knocking your knuckles against barely-sentient peasants.”

Serval pinned her ears back as a blue field surrounded her body, shielding her from several enemy blows. Then she caused it to explode outwards, sending goons flying. “W-why are you here? Aren't you too pretty for this or something?”

“Ah, how delightful it is to see the rare spark of intelligence in an otherwise mindless automaton!” Illusion bowed deeply, and as he swept his hands aside, the graceful move sent two more pirates through concrete walls. “This display is utterly beneath me, I assure you. However, you humiliated me earlier by taking my spot in the queue. As payback I'm going to humiliate you all in the final battle.”

Lynne clenched her fists. “Ugh! Enough talk then; put your money where your mouth is!” She jumped up onto a random goon's shoulders and launched herself towards Illusion Grande, fist extended and ready to swing at his face. The male's cocky smirk turned to a grimace and in a flicker of a moment his hand was out, striking her in the gut and sending her spiraling to the floor.

As she clutched her middle and twitched, Illusion turned with a flourish of his long, purple hair and waded back into the fray. Reno helped Lynne back to her feet and Serval dusted her off, while Ifrita moved to keep goons from ganging up on her.

“A-are you okay, miss Lynne?” Serval looked her over. “You're shaking! How bad is the damage?”

Lynne grit her teeth. “I... it's like, minimal but it feels like this awful throbbing in my stomach! He hit me and...”

Reno interjected. “Pain.” With a few swings of her huge steel fists, she knocked a few yelling psychos off their feet.

“But none of us are designed to feel pain! We're not fetish-bots y'know!” Lynne wiped her mouth and lifted her trembling hands to assume a fighting stance once more, but faltered with a sharp gasp.

“It's a war model technique. They call it ”Love 'Urts” an' it causes agony in anythin' they touch. It's supanatural in origin an' as such it's even compatible with android sensors.”

“Pain, huh? I bet I can handle pain.” Ifrita spoke confidently as she continued to fight off enemies with a dizzying array of blows.

Lynne finally managed to recover, but the feeling... the pain was fresh in her memory banks. It consumed her thoughts, even as she was fighting. The idea that she might have to experience more of it in a fight with Illusion Grande...

That scared her.

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The battle raged on and the four androids were soon part of a rapidly thinning herd of fighters. The common thugs looking to make a quick buck had run out of gas by now and were being picked off by the stronger fighters. By the end of the fight, the ten story building had holes blown through every floor and the ceiling was was slowly catching fire.

On the roof, the final pirates were blown off and through the flames, with Ifrita, Lynne, Reno and Serval finding themselves face to face with Hello Hello, Smorc, Arsenal Ark, and Illusion Grande. The two groups stared each other down silently, looks of intensity taded between the fighters. A moment later, an airhorn blasted.

“Aaaaaaaalright!That about wraps things up for our free-for-all!” Mr. Grandstand shouted through a bullhorn towards the roof. The device did an excellent job of amplifying his scratchy voice. “Alright then you crazy kill-freaks, come on down for the fiiiiiiinal battle! And to everyone else still alive that participated, good job on not getting killed and see ya next year!”

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And so our heroes size up their rivals for the final prize of the Freebooter's Fighting League Tournament. They can only wonder what sort of freakish powers and incredible fighting styles these assassins without equal possess.

Who will they be matched with? What terrifying depths do Illusion Grande's powers reach? Why is Interrobang's last name Updog? At least one of these questions will be answered in Densetsu no Batoru Episode 5: Legendary Breasts?..

Part 5: Legendary Terror!

[LongTimeLurker]

I love the bizarre world you're building and am eagerly awaiting the robo-battle royale. And more sauce-obsession.

Robots get lots of love on this forum, but I'm always glad to see pure AI constructs as well!

Also "More pompadour than you could hope for" = 100x point multiplier

[DukeNukem 2417]

If anyone ever turns this into an actual anime, I'm buying the boxed set.

Top-notch as per usual! Hilarity, action and intrigue all rolled up into a sexy package---in the words of Ryback, FEED ME MORE!

[Section_Eight]

"Hermaphroditic wormpeople"? Quite possibly the funniest line I've read on this site in years. Love the humor you've got going here!