The old Telling The Girlfriend bit again...

[Korby]

So yeah, I've been rather lurky of late. For a while this was because I was lost in the depths of a virtually crippling depression and had little energy or interest in contributing to the community here, or doing anything creative, or really doing much of anything at all.

Then, about five weeks ago, that changed. I met an amazing girl and we've fallen for each other in a big way. Depression--alleviated. We've been dashing around having Crazy Fun Times.

Without getting into a lot of needless detail, the fact is that I'm more deeply attached to this girl than anyone else I've ever been with. You hear people going on about how the Right Person Is Out There For Everyone, but you tend to lose faith in that assertion after so many years of loneliness and catastrophically failed relationships. Then you run into someone who is so obviously, indubitably, inarguably the Right Person that your whole worldview gets smashed to pieces by the force of the impact.

The main point here is: A little while back, I screwed up the courage necessary to break down and tell her about the whole ASFR thing. This is significant because I have never, ever dared--or even seriously considered--admitting that particular interest to another human being without the comfortable semi-anonymity of the internet to shield me.

I felt like I had to, because I found that I hated the idea of keeping anything from her at all. I felt like I could because I trusted her so deeply and implicitly. I harbored a certain amount of terror at the prospect, because there seemed like there'd be that small chance that she'd be intensely weirded out by the whole idea and run off screaming. But after careful consideration, I came to realize that that was more like baseless paranoia and that the worst-case scenario here was that she'd laugh playfully and call me a big nerd.

(This would have been perfectly OK--this is an exchange that we've had many other times on many other subjects. We are both deeply attached to any number of rather geeky pursuits, and have called each other out for such nerdiness. Just one of our little things.)

So. The big moment came. I hemmed and hawed a lot before finally just blurting it out.

Her reaction, without even missing a beat:

"Okay. How do I do that?"

It's a novel concept to her, and one by which she admits to being intrigued. The degree to which my already-considerably love and trust for her was multiplied by this reaction is difficult to accurately estimate.

Since then, I've really only taken baby steps toward getting into the whole thing. There's been a very little bit of discussion, and at one point I showed her "The Makeover" by way of giving her a little more insight into what interests me.

(That particular story has the twin virtues of nicely encapsulating much of what I find appealing in ASFR and being a fairly gentle, female-friendly introduction to the concept. She seemed pretty unfazed by it, and I think it did give her a little more of an understanding of what gets me going...)

I'm still a little shy about getting too deeply into the whole thing, and I'm actually a little unsure about where to go with it in terms of bringing her into the ASFR thing. Having never told anyone about it in person, I have to confess that I've never really thought about how to enjoy ASFR on anything other than a solo basis... but I'm figuring it out.

Anyhow, that's kind of what's going on. We'll see how things progress. All I know is that I am so hugely relieved by the fact that I'm 1) not keeping this a secret from her and 2) that she's not only willing but a little excited to explore it.

I don't know if I'd advise others, unilaterally, to make a revelation like this to their significant other. I'm sure it could backfire. But in this particular case, I got to the point where I knew in my gut that I could tell her and it would be okay... and was rewarded by a more enthusiastic reaction than I could ever have imagined. All I can say is, if you do feel like it's the right thing to do, then go for it.

--k

[droidlvr]

Man,great for you K. At the risk of sounding selfish, if only I can experience the same with a female.

[Stephaniebot]

Congrats Korby, I'm so pleased for you.

[code_author]

Congratulations K,
That one is definitely a keeper!!!!!

[jolshefsky]

I think it's funny that once I went ahead and told someone and they didn't react badly, it was hard to remember my reasons for why I was so worried in the first place. For the most part, it's that old fear-of-the-unknown more than anything specific.

I think you've done a great job, Korby, of pacing things. It's usually more that you tell someone too soon that they freak out than it is anything to do with your fetish. And it really could be anything, even more "mundane" stuff like bondage: too soon and it's a red flag to that person that all you want them for is fetish sex ... and if you're squirrely about it, that's a red flag that you don't think of the other person as, well, a person.

So unwinding all that ...

If you're dating already and really like the person, wait until it comes up, or bring it up in the context of having sex. Even if you're weird about it (as long as you actually say it after being weird), it will be just fine (or you've found someone who can't understand/enjoy/respect something that is really quite important to your sexuality.)

If you're not dating yet but find someone you like, figure out how much you desire them as a partner and a lover, and how much you desire them as a robot. If it's way skewed to the robot, maybe you should consider a one-night stand. Either tell them about the fetish and maybe have some great kinky stuff, or don't and just pretend.

[keraptis]

Thanks for sharing that story with all of us Korby. And congratulations.

Generally speaking, I'm a proponent of opening up and telling the person you care about what you like. That is based on two main assumptions:
1. You (the person doing the revealing) are a well-balanced person who keeps kinks and fetishes in perspective, and doesn't make your partner feel as though they are being subordinated to those fetishes, essentially becoming just a "prop" or, worse, sitting on the sidelines while you pursue your fetish primarily through pr0n and other outlets.
2. Your partner is comfortable with their own sexuality and committed to making you happy.

Given those two conditions, my belief is that sharing your deepest desires is more than likely going to work out. I am truly happy for you that it worked out in your case. Best of luck, she sounds like a keeper.

[Loganov]

That's great Korby. I told a girl, that I wasn't even going out with, several years ago. To a certain extent, I believe that she was the one. I just wasn't smart enough to get her in time. They was a long time ago, and she has left my life seemingly forever.

The point was that I felt great opening up. She wasn't wierded out at all. She even did a little acting when we would be relatively alone.

Still, I got lucky because my gut feeling was right. I'd still think long and hard before I did it again.

[The Egg]

I think the thing to focus on here is not necessarily the fetish itself, but that anyone who really does care about you will accept you for who you are even if they don't understand why you are that way.

My domestic partner has pretty much known about my various predilections since the very early stages of our relationship. We've since stuck together for five and a half years, and we have wonderful communication. We work problems out instead of letting them fester, and we recognize each others' emotional states as valid even if they're irrational. I feel very spoiled to have such a partner.

I suppose the point there is that if I hadn't been as forthright about something as personal as sexual preferences, maybe we might never have learned how to navigate each others' deeper eccentricities. And maybe I'd be back to right where I was with every failed relationship that came before her.

Another thing to remember is sometimes something is a huge deal inside your own head, but in perspective it's not nearly as big to other people. On the other hand, that also works in reverse. Ultimately, though, I think who you are and what you do are not separate entities. Don't sell yourself short because you're afraid it could backfire. You might regret losing someone who doesn't understand you, but you'll surely regret living your entire life never knowing what might have been.

[mariahbot81]

Congrats Korby! It definetly is weight off your shoulders when you can let that secret out, I know it was with me.

[Baron]

Kudos, Old Boy!!
Honesty's always best - but ONLY if it's a two-way street. Otherwise you're just asking for trouble.

However, your situation doesn't seem to be in that category. My advice to you is lay back, and let her discover / progress / experiment totally at her own pace. You've trusted her with a deep secret - show her how much you trust her by not pushing.

Have fun with this, when the time is right. It's a great feeling, to have your S/O on the same page as you in EVERY aspect........

[gynoneko]

Congratulations.
First, honesty is best, but sometimes just taking things slowly is better for a new relationship. Don't rush into weird stuff too fast.
Let her get used to the idea on her own, and make sure she understands that you do not want her to be a robot, but to be the girl you fell in love with. Fetishes are one thing any relationship can work on after it is established.
Also, now that you have shared one of your quirky fetishes with her, perhaps you should let her share one of hers with you.

[KingJeremy]

I certainly agree with the sentiments expressed here, I'm curious as to why we're reviving a year old thread. Unless I'm missing something which is entirely possible as well.

[NukuNookee]

I certainly agree with the sentiments expressed here, I'm curious as to why we're reviving a year old thread. Unless I'm missing something which is entirely possible as well.

I wondered about the necropost as well, though maybe some here were hoping for a status update.

[keraptis]

It's about a year since the original post, so maybe we should all take the opportunity to wish Korby a happy anniversary.

[bilbo]

Congrats Korby, n that goes to the lady in your life. As Kishin says, dont loose her! Take it easy, see if she makes any suggestions, n guide her that way. All the mest fir both of you.

[wjbaines]

I wonder if Korby (or "Mrs. Korby"!?) could be persuaded to post an update?

[Korby]

Well, as it happens, things are going swimmingly. Not quite Mr. & Mrs. yet, but that is certainly in the works.

The ASFR type stuff has become a very significant part of our intimacy, and she's taken to it with great ease. It's brilliant fun.

Thanks for the kind thoughts and anniversary wishes!

--k