A short one...

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robotworld5
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A short one...

Post by robotworld5 » Sat Dec 17, 2011 12:31 pm

I got this story idea, and just couldn't help it. It takes many cues from many other great stories.

--

A NIGHT WITH VANESSA
by ROBOTWORLD5

Vanessa Phillips was the sexiest girl John had ever seen. He had often admired her beauty many a time in class.
Many boys loved blondes, but she was the perfect anti-blonde; a perfect brunette.

She had perfect, gravity-defying C cup breasts (courtesy of a bikini pic on Facebook), and an amazing body with a stellar butt.
She always wore tight shirts which hugged her body well, and jeans which teased all who were in back of her.

And now she had agreed to be his girlfriend. John could not believe it when she said yes.
They were going out to a club that night, and would then retire to Vanessa's dorm room to hang out afterwards.

They danced and danced at the club, having a great time. Vanessa showed him many moves, and soon he became a pro!
But, the real story started after they returned to Vanessa's dorm.

--LATER THAT NIGHT--
Vanessa's dorm was quite nice, much more spacious than John's. Additionally, she did not have a roommate, and her window had a perfect view of the college grounds.
They entered the dorm, and Vanessa shut the door. She then went over to the window and shut it, and then pulled the blinds.

"What are you doing?" asked John.

"Just getting ready," Vanessa answered.

"Ready for what?"

"I think you are getting me hot," Vanessa took her thin shirt and jeans off to reveal a red cotton bra and panties, which she then removed with ease.

"Care if I see yours?" Vanessa then said to John. She quickly and efficiently stripped him bare, and she straddled him on her bed.

"Veronica, this might-"

"Might what?"

"Never mind."

The two made love, caressing and kissing each other, and then Vanessa put John's cock inside her.

John began to pump, and was almost ready to cum, when he smelled something - like electronics burning.

He then noticed that Vanessa had frozen. He cummed inside her, but then noticed that she continued to pump.

A panel opened on her stomach, covered in John's cum. It began to spark a bit, and then it sizzled.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" John said to himself. Suddenly, Vanessa jerked up.

"ERROR IN INTERFACE PANEL... LIQUID DAMAGE. PLEASE BRING IN UNIT VANESSA-15 FOR REPAIR TO PREVENT FURTHER DAMAGE."

Vanessa jerked again. "SEXUAL BUFFER OVERLOAD... RESETTING OF SEXUAL PROGRAMS. MALFUNCTION."

Her blank face soon took on a sultry look, before switching to a blank face again. She pumped on John's cock, forcing him into a second orgasm.

She then jerked again. "AUTOMATIC SHUTDOWN PROCEDURE. SHUTDOWN IN 10 SECONDS..."

As Vanessa fell back onto John, limp and lifeless, John fell to bed, exhausted from the affair.

Questions still lingered in his mind. Who was she? How was she a robot? Who created her?

He only hoped she'd stay his girlfriend after the events that night.

"
Image

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alaval92
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Re: A short one...

Post by alaval92 » Sat Dec 17, 2011 10:32 pm

Too bad. Would have been nicer had it been longer, but still nicely done. Would love to see a longer version.
Over & out, A. Laval 8)

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robotworld5
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Re: A short one...

Post by robotworld5 » Sun Dec 18, 2011 8:43 am

Well, I am more of a "story manip" guy, so that's kinda my style of writing. Thank you!!!

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Re: A short one...

Post by alaval92 » Sun Dec 18, 2011 3:28 pm

Any time mate any time. Hope you don't mind but I might just borrow this and turn it into a full story.
Over & out, A. Laval 8)

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robotworld5
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Re: A short one...

Post by robotworld5 » Sun Dec 18, 2011 8:43 pm

No problem at all. I kind of wanted to elaborate on it myself, just didn't have the time.

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Re: A short one...

Post by Grendizer » Mon Feb 20, 2012 2:01 am

It's good. My only advice is to try and avoid summary in favor of actual scenes. A lot of the time, you don't show us enough, instead telling us things like "[she had] an amazing body with a stellar butt." That's fine when it's needed, but considering you are trying (I assume) to increase eroticism, it's best to go with something more concrete when describing erotic scenes: "Her body looked as though a great master had sculpted every supple curve, with a tight apple-shaped ass that begged men to corrupt her."

This shows us how she is perfect, rather than just telling us that she is. It shows us that her body is a masterpiece by invoking the art of sculpting, and gives an example of the effects of her butt on men.
If freedom is outlawed, only outlaws will be free.

My Stories: Teacher: Lesson 1, Teacher: Lesson 2, Quick Corruptions, A New Purpose

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Re: A short one...

Post by robotworld5 » Mon Feb 20, 2012 10:51 pm

Thanks? Great suggestion -that is where I lack in erotic storytelling... I will try to follow your advice next time!

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Re: A short one...

Post by Grendizer » Tue Feb 21, 2012 4:16 am

I really did like it. It's a good vignette. For me, it just needed a little more meat on the bone, more to linger on. While it's not something I'm normally into, I found the malfunction scene good fun. I just wanted the first bit written like that too.
If freedom is outlawed, only outlaws will be free.

My Stories: Teacher: Lesson 1, Teacher: Lesson 2, Quick Corruptions, A New Purpose

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