Kate goes shopping

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Joined: Tue Jun 15, 2004 12:42 am
Location: East of Berlin, West of Moscow

Kate goes shopping

Postby Propman » Sat Sep 22, 2018 2:46 am

You know how you run into the craziest people in the supermarket? Well, I met the uh… the fembot that had kidnapped us a couple of weeks ago. You know that being a machine myself… I try to keep up the good spirit in the community. Cassandra says I’m being naive here; that “robot” is not an ethnicity. I don’t know, I occasionally think of myself as synthetic-American, but… Eep. I’m rambling again.

Anyway, Kate. She lives in the neighborhood, and wants to conquer wide swaths of it when she’s not minded by Cassie or Nellie. And well… it doesn’t always end well. For others or for herself. I met her in the product aisle and… She’s a big girl, with more than generous hips. Abundant. Very pretty, even if I say so myself. Of course, ugly companion androids are rare…

“Hello, Bonnie”, she greeted me when was weighing an apple in hand - it weighted exactly 182 grams or 0.4 pounds. Subtle. “Nellie installed ShopSmart app on my internal processor”, she bragged to me. I mean, I do have some useful software, but human emulation systems are enough for me.

“What’s… up?” I tried to be polite. She just smirked with her thick, red, glossy lips. Sometimes she looks like a 1950s pin-up model.

“Oh, Bonnie, dear, let’s just say… I have some things planned for the neighborhood! Oh-ho-ho!” I think she knows well to wear a red dress that’s a size or two too small. Synthetic flesh does not get lesions or blisters… and the boys do stare. “I have put in motion a scheme so brilliant that…”

“Nellie sent you for the groceries?” I interrupted. “Are you gonna bake?”

She paused for a moment. You see, I think she has issues with parallel processing. There’s the nasty cartoon supervillain, there’s your generic housewife fembot, there’s fairly standard obedience routine Cassandra added. I don’t know what Kate I’m talking with at the moment; and she insists she is… well, the same.

“Yes, I’m going to bake, dear”, she answered. Click, just like that she’s back to being a housewife. “I was thinking of an old fashioned apple pie with lots of cinnamon.” She motioned at me and walked, effortlessly pushing her shopping cart to the produce aisle. Her app prompted her further: “I don’t have: cinnamon, nutmeg, lemon zest. Additional shopping: tomato sauce, rice, onions, nice sausage.” She grabbed a pack of onions from the section and pouted. “I want red and white ones. I find them more aesthetically pleasing.”
“So…”, I asked as she weighted down some more onions. “Will you eat as well as cook? Most of modern androids can at least chew and swallow.” Honestly, I didn’t giggle. I *am* programmed to be an adult after all. She nodded reflexively.

“We’re having Desiree, LaWanda and their owner Matt over. LaWanda says she could contribute ten thousand dollars to my plan. I could buy…” she made a minuscule pause “two thousand five hundred and seventeen comma eight two threeeeee ~click~ pounds of onion. I don’t want to buy onion, I need conspirators.”

Uh oh. I stepped back. “Didn’t Nellie already forbid you to take over the world?”

She tilted her head strangely and looked at me, “Oh-ho-ho-ho!” she laughed her bubbly and oddly disquieting laughter. “But she didn’t say anything about me helping Desiree.” As revealing of evil plans goes, I doubt that a local supermarket is the best place to do it. “My plan: Complete the shopping, cook delicious dinner, seduce Matt, reprogram Desiree, do the dishes, create a fembot-based crime organization in the area while the cops are focusing on the organic human crime, accumulate capital for the phase two.” She placed the bags of onions in her cart. “There’s too much onions, I’ll have a barbecue once I seize the local crime world. Would you like to come?”

“Sure!” I answered, chippily. At precisely this point I stopped being afraid. I calculated with an 80% possibility that at any moment I could call Nellie and she would switch Kate off. Her core programming ran her weird “take over the world” scenario not realizing any potential conflicts - I knew that eventually Nellie would figure things out, and stop the big blonde bot before she did any serious harm. But… “It’s great that you make an effort yourself.”

She nodded, stopping before the aisle of potatoes. “Soon I’ll have people to run errands. Soon I will be invincible.”

“What if Nellie will send specifically you to run errands?”, I wondered loud. For all her intimidating appearance, she is a domestic assistant - like myself. She can’t disobey orders from her human - much like she can’t fly or can’t grow to nine feet. She hesitated, evidently considering my question…

“I will fulfill my task.” She said confidently, and picked up red potatoes. “I will bake a nice casserole. That is not on my list of shopping: ~tweet~ cinnamon, nutmeg, lemon zest. Additional shopping: tomato sauce, rice, onions, nice sausage. I will not purchase potatoes.” She glanced at her cart. “Come, Bonnie, I need to get some rice and tomato sauce.”

I shook my head disbelievingly. I went with her, but mostly because she was my… uh… a neighborhood fellow gynoid, not because she told me. And I was curious to see what happens next. She seemed more and more disorganized. I looked at her picking up boxes of rice from the shelf, and looking around for tomato sauce. She suddenly stopped at the pyramid of cans of various flavors of sauce.

“Nellie likes sweet and sour sauce.” She tilted her blonde head to the left. “It is not on the list. It is not relevant to the plan. I could spare some money. I… I…” she pulled her head together, her yellow hair suddenly shook. She reached for the cans and loaded three cans into her basket.

“Is anything wrong, Kate?”, I wanted to touch her but she moved away, walking towards the spice rack.

“Nothing’s wrong. Everything’s perfect, according to the plan.”, she said. “Oh-HO! cinnamon, nutmeg, pepper spray, guns. I will check for allergies. I will assassinate them with cinnamon.”

“Who’s allergic to cinnamon? Is this even…” I stopped. Kate started mechanically chucking entire bags of spices into her cart. I regretted I couldn’t use my diagnostics on her. “Kate, calm down. Stop, please!”

“I am the general!” she stopped and snapped at me. “I soon will rule this miserable green ball of… cinnamon, nutmeg, lemon. A sale on lemons - $2.99. Lemon acid. Lemon zest. Lemon juice. Do you want some lemonade, Bonnie?” She didn’t pause. “Come here so I could shoot you.”

I sighed and stepped back. It was time to call Nellie.

"Hahaha! They will never be able to stop our evil rice now! All we have to do is fire off cinnamon! How much is this ran-ransom compared nutritionally to this death ray-ray-ray-ray-ray--" She slumped down, bent unnaturally in half, pushing her card. She collapsed on floor, still repeating “Dinner… must… cinnamon.”

Posts: 117
Joined: Sun Nov 09, 2008 3:12 am

Re: Kate goes shopping

Postby cyberdude » Tue Sep 25, 2018 4:58 am

:thumbsup: I like these kind of short stories. Very "malfunctiony".


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