Electric Sleep series

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Esleeper
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Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Sun Mar 13, 2016 1:43 pm

You might recognize these from the "Stories from the Chans" thread, but since 4chan is not an ideal place to get feedback from for obvious reasons I'd like to ask the people here to look over what I've written so far. I'm planning out at least two more entries in this, but I'd like to hear what you think of what me and my co-writer have gotten done thus far. Feel free to make suggestions as to what you want to see out of them too; depending on what it is, I might go and use it.

Each of these fics is way too long for me to post all at once, so I'll link the google docs I used to make them here instead. Bear in mind that they're all rather on the long side and should be read in chronological order so you don't lose out on plot context. Summaries of each are above the links.

Electric Sleep: An engineer fembot gets a few unexpected upgrades
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mB4 ... iSxr8/edit

Electric Awakening, Part 1: A series of unexplained disasters leads to the discovery of a new foe.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LYG ... sp=sharing

Electric Awakening, Part 2: Exploring an outpost full of traps, and a bitter homecoming.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1O-M ... ekbwE/edit

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by SunshineInTheGarden » Sun Mar 13, 2016 8:40 pm

I really enjoy the series, hoping to see a fourth part. I love the style of writing, however Google docs sometimes get in the way and make it hard to read online.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Sun Mar 13, 2016 8:57 pm

SunshineInTheGarden wrote:I really enjoy the series, hoping to see a fourth part. I love the style of writing, however Google docs sometimes get in the way and make it hard to read online.
I''ve heard other people mention that too, so I set up Pastebin links as well; it ruins some of the text that needs italics and different fonts to function, but it's a necessary sacrifice. I'll drop them off here for reference.

http://pastebin.com/DGKgVqnW (Electric Sleep)
http://pastebin.com/wP2gqxP8 (Electric Awakening, Part 1)
http://pastebin.com/AxHYwSFV (Electric Awakening, Part 2)

Me and my cowriter put a lot of thought into the worldbuilding with this series- to paraphrase the webcomic Oglaf "we need a convoluted narrative to really get off". At first me and my cowriter (who doesn't use this forum as far as I know) were trying to figure out what circumstances would lead a gynoid meant primarily for engineering tasks and with no knowledge of human sexuality at all to acquire a vagina, and from there things began to snowball into what you see now. Funny how things work like that, isn't it?

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Sun Mar 20, 2016 10:32 pm

Just a quick update- right now I'm working on a midquel taking place between Electric Sleep and Electric Awakening's first part. I'll be sure to post it here when it's all done.

And I'm still looking for feedback, so don't be shy about posting it.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by gynoneko » Mon Apr 04, 2016 10:02 am

I just got through the first part. I really enjoyed it! Good job! I look forward to checking out the others. So when you described Thesis, is she more like a human with metal looking skin and joints, or are there more mechanical parts to her? Exactly what do her eyes look like, because I wasn't clear on if she had a human face with human eyes only brighter or if her eyes were some sort of cameras.
I'll be sure to read the other two and try to come up with some feedback for you. Great job so far!
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- Brian May

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Mon Apr 04, 2016 6:35 pm

gynoneko wrote:I just got through the first part. I really enjoyed it! Good job! I look forward to checking out the others. So when you described Thesis, is she more like a human with metal looking skin and joints, or are there more mechanical parts to her? Exactly what do her eyes look like, because I wasn't clear on if she had a human face with human eyes only brighter or if her eyes were some sort of cameras.
I'll be sure to read the other two and try to come up with some feedback for you. Great job so far!
She's mostly humanoid- similar to how EDI was depicted in Mass Effect 3. She doesn't have skin, just a metallic chassis that's a silvery-chrome color designed to be both aesthetically appealing and resistant to most hazards one might expect in her line of duty, as well as some that wouldn't be quite as expected. After her enhancements, it also possesses the same sensitivity to touch as one would expect from a human. Her joints are visibly articulated, and I believe in one of the later parts I describe how she can deploy her built-in tools. Additionally, the soles of her feet have devices called magnapeds implemented into them, which I described in Electric Sleep- she might not need to breathe, but slipping and being hurtling through the depths of space with no hope of ever being found is still as effectively "lethal" for a robot as it is for anyone else. It just takes longer for the inevitable to occur.

She doesn't have any hair. As an engineering unit its presence would be as useless as it is counterproductive- after all, hair is flammable and can get caught in things. No ears either. As for her eyes, I picture them as being similar to what the Transformers' eyes look like in Transformers Prime. Lastly, her figure can be best described as made for both function and form, even if it was never meant to be "fully functional". Her breasts are about a C -cup to a D-cup; large enough to fondle and caress, but not large enough to get in the way of anything. Her hips are fairly curvy but not excessively so, and her butt is similarly medium sized, so to speak. I'm pretty sure I already described how her "undocumented features" were built into her, but i can go into more detail here if needed if you really want to know about it.

I'm considering finding someone that I could commission to get art of her drawn, but I'm not exactly sure where to begin looking for artists who draw gynoids well. If anyone has recommendations, I'm all ears.

On an unrelated note, my cowriter and I are almost finished with another part of the series, this one happening between Electric Sleep and Electric Awakening. I'll post it here when it's done.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Extyr » Tue Apr 05, 2016 11:18 pm

Well, I've read it all and I find this series quite enjoyable. The romance is cute and Antaeus is a big walking cliche, but it is good sport. I hope Thesis gets some distinguishing physical feature to avoid a repeat of chapter two confusion. Also, how are they supposed to catch and confine an AI that already escaped into their version of internet and did they take steps to make sure it can't come back to that factory they've purged?

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Tue Apr 05, 2016 11:35 pm

Extyr wrote:Well, I've read it all and I find this series quite enjoyable. The romance is cute and Antaeus is a big walking cliche, but it is good sport. I hope Thesis gets some distinguishing physical feature to avoid a repeat of chapter two confusion. Also, how are they supposed to catch and confine an AI that already escaped into their version of internet and did they take steps to make sure it can't come back to that factory they've purged?
We'll be getting to that. I have a few ideas, but I want to run them past my co-writer first- plus, it would be spoiling the plot at this point. Suffice to say that I didn't add that last sentence in part 2 for nothing, and when they get back to the ship they'll be dealing with an uninvited guest.

That reminds me, I have to go back and revise the older chapters with more details on Thesis' physical description. I don't think I'll be doing the doppelganger thing again, it kind of loses its impact after the first time anyway.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Fri Apr 08, 2016 12:18 pm

And done. This one's meant as a midquel between Electric Sleep and Electric Awakening part 1. It's a bit shorter than the others since it's more focused on regular life for the characters, but me and my cowriter made sure to compensate for it with a little extra smut. Not sure exactly when I'll be making the next installment; got other stuff on my plate at the moment but I'll let you know when I've gotten started on it.

Electric Dreams
Google Docs: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Fpi ... sp=sharing
Pastebin: http://pastebin.com/ctWUBidi

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Tue May 03, 2016 11:08 pm

I hate to blow my own horn too often with nothing to show for it, but I'd just like to say I haven't forgotten about thus- just been busy with real life and some ideas my co-writer wanted to try out. That said, the next part of this series will likely be the finale, at least for the time being; it'll likely be open enough for me to revisit the characters should the inclination come to me, but the plot as it is will be all wrapped up.

On another note, the topic DollSpace madea bout the VICI Diaries series got me thinking: has my series thus far fallen into any of the pitfalls that long running series are prone to? Since this next entry (whenever it's done) will likely be the last for a while, I want to do everything I can to ensure it goes out strong.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Murotsu » Wed May 04, 2016 3:36 pm

I read the first chapter. It has a decent storyline. But, you use way too much narrative rather than dialogue and description. Let me give you an example from page 4 of the first chapter:
The next day, Thesis was given a new task. According to Chares, the station’s scientists needed to recover data from one of the station’s old computer systems but lacked the equipment needed to interface with the earlier technology used in them. Fortunately, Thesis was equipped with sophisticated emulation software that would allow her to recover the old files and convert them to a usable format.
The next day Chares had Thesis report for work. “Some of the scientists need data recovered from one of the station’s old computer systems. According to your technical specs you're capable of recovering these. Is that correct?”

“Yes, Chares, I can perform that function. Would you like the files converted to a format compatible with the station’s current computer system?”


Now the characters are interacting. You are letting the reader “see” their conversation rather than telling them second hand about it. Narrative is never preferable to DaD… Dialogue and Description. Also, you don't need to state the obvious. The reader can pick up on Chares wanting her to convert the files, or this can be added in when she does it later. That keeps the story moving. You need to be conscious of that. The story needs to move forward as continuously as possible. Digressions, and excessive wordiness only slow things down.

Even with the assistance of the station’s floor and deck plans hard-coded into her memory, navigating the convoluted maze of maintenance tunnels and disused chambers was proving difficult for Thesis. Numerous parts of the area looked different from what the floor plans had designated; the possibility that it had not been updated in several cycles was not lost on the gynoid. When she returned, she would be sure to inform Command that a new floor plan would be needed.
That said, there was nothing in her memory banks about the station ever undergoing any refits…

It must have been the crews, slowly altering the interior of the station over the years in blatant violation of company regulations for reasons she could not comprehend. Of course. She’d have to inform Command about that as well.

After approximately 4.75 hours of navigating through the maintenance complex, Thesis finally came upon her objective. A bank of ancient servers loomed out of the dark before her, status lights on them glittering through the thick mist of evaporated coolant coming off them.
Thesis headed towards the location of the systems. The maintenance tunnels and abandoned compartments looked nothing like the data in her navigation system. She moved cautiously forward, trying to match the images in her system to those she was receiving from her sensors.

After four hours forty eight minutes of struggling to navigate through the warren of unauthorized compartment modifications and repeated updates of her navigation data, Thesis found her objective. The large, ancient, servers stood in rows illuminated by the few working lights that remained. Status lights blinked through a mist of coolant streaming off them. Sensor data showed the compartment uninhabitable by humans. The oxygen content was at ten percent.


You can save what Thesis would do with this problem for when she does something about it. Avoid giving the reader her thoughts unless she is the only character you do that with. Again, avoid narrative. Describe the compartments. Describe her difficulties by showing the reader what’s happening. Say she’s looking around, that visual, electronic, audio, or whatever sensor data is confusing her and how.

Try to put the reader there standing next to her viewing the scene and listening to what she says.
None of that requires you to fundamentally change what is a decent storyline. Instead, it helps the reader get into the story rather than be a spectator on the sidelines.

I hope that helps.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Wed May 04, 2016 10:44 pm

Murotsu wrote:I read the first chapter. It has a decent storyline. But, you use way too much narrative rather than dialogue and description. Let me give you an example from page 4 of the first chapter:
The next day, Thesis was given a new task. According to Chares, the station’s scientists needed to recover data from one of the station’s old computer systems but lacked the equipment needed to interface with the earlier technology used in them. Fortunately, Thesis was equipped with sophisticated emulation software that would allow her to recover the old files and convert them to a usable format.
The next day Chares had Thesis report for work. “Some of the scientists need data recovered from one of the station’s old computer systems. According to your technical specs you're capable of recovering these. Is that correct?”

“Yes, Chares, I can perform that function. Would you like the files converted to a format compatible with the station’s current computer system?”


Now the characters are interacting. You are letting the reader “see” their conversation rather than telling them second hand about it. Narrative is never preferable to DaD… Dialogue and Description. Also, you don't need to state the obvious. The reader can pick up on Chares wanting her to convert the files, or this can be added in when she does it later. That keeps the story moving. You need to be conscious of that. The story needs to move forward as continuously as possible. Digressions, and excessive wordiness only slow things down.

Even with the assistance of the station’s floor and deck plans hard-coded into her memory, navigating the convoluted maze of maintenance tunnels and disused chambers was proving difficult for Thesis. Numerous parts of the area looked different from what the floor plans had designated; the possibility that it had not been updated in several cycles was not lost on the gynoid. When she returned, she would be sure to inform Command that a new floor plan would be needed.
That said, there was nothing in her memory banks about the station ever undergoing any refits…

It must have been the crews, slowly altering the interior of the station over the years in blatant violation of company regulations for reasons she could not comprehend. Of course. She’d have to inform Command about that as well.

After approximately 4.75 hours of navigating through the maintenance complex, Thesis finally came upon her objective. A bank of ancient servers loomed out of the dark before her, status lights on them glittering through the thick mist of evaporated coolant coming off them.
Thesis headed towards the location of the systems. The maintenance tunnels and abandoned compartments looked nothing like the data in her navigation system. She moved cautiously forward, trying to match the images in her system to those she was receiving from her sensors.

After four hours forty eight minutes of struggling to navigate through the warren of unauthorized compartment modifications and repeated updates of her navigation data, Thesis found her objective. The large, ancient, servers stood in rows illuminated by the few working lights that remained. Status lights blinked through a mist of coolant streaming off them. Sensor data showed the compartment uninhabitable by humans. The oxygen content was at ten percent.


You can save what Thesis would do with this problem for when she does something about it. Avoid giving the reader her thoughts unless she is the only character you do that with. Again, avoid narrative. Describe the compartments. Describe her difficulties by showing the reader what’s happening. Say she’s looking around, that visual, electronic, audio, or whatever sensor data is confusing her and how.

Try to put the reader there standing next to her viewing the scene and listening to what she says.
None of that requires you to fundamentally change what is a decent storyline. Instead, it helps the reader get into the story rather than be a spectator on the sidelines.

I hope that helps.
It does. In fact, I have half a mind to go back and add this in myself. With your permission and a credit in your name, of course.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Murotsu » Wed May 04, 2016 11:32 pm

Help yourself. If you'd like I can do an edit if I have time. I did FSY for Silkscreen and that was something like 15,000 words originally. That took me like two or three days.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Wed May 04, 2016 11:38 pm

Me and my cowriter are the only ones with edit privileged to the Google doc with the fic on it, but the offer is appreciated nonetheless. I'll try to get it added as soon as I can manage.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Murotsu » Wed May 04, 2016 11:40 pm

I'd copy and past it into WP and then edit and repost it.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Thu May 05, 2016 10:10 pm

Murotsu wrote:I'd copy and past it into WP and then edit and repost it.
Well, it's been added in at any rate. Same google docs link and pastebin as it was in the OP. Not much use making an entirely new document just for a couple of edits after all.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Murotsu » Thu May 05, 2016 10:39 pm

I went ahead and grabbed a copy for edit. It's 49 pages double spaced at just over 11,000 words for the first chapter. I did the first 5 pages eliminating almost 600 words. I do have a question. The sequence about "Mail" on like page 3 makes no sense. It pops up out of nowhere and goes nowhere. Why is it there? I "red flagged" it for removal but didn't until I understood its relationship to the story.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Thu May 05, 2016 11:38 pm

Murotsu wrote:I went ahead and grabbed a copy for edit. It's 49 pages double spaced at just over 11,000 words for the first chapter. I did the first 5 pages eliminating almost 600 words. I do have a question. The sequence about "Mail" on like page 3 makes no sense. It pops up out of nowhere and goes nowhere. Why is it there? I "red flagged" it for removal but didn't until I understood its relationship to the story.
It's an introduction to Aether's character, from its POV. It's supposed to illustrate its fundamentally inhuman mindset, so to speak. Sorry, but it's one of the things I feel couldn't be easily replaced without compromising my original vision for the story.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Murotsu » Fri May 06, 2016 6:27 pm

Ah, got it. That was an easy fix after understanding its purpose.

Here's a sample of the edit version:

Chares wadded up the print out. “New engineer on the next shuttle. Yea, my ass. Probably another useless pimple faced moron is more like it!” He tossed the paper wad missing the recycle container. “Well, might as well see who command sent…”

A machine stood in the shuttle hatchway. Chares eyed it, well her maybe, with a dubious eye. She, definitely had a feminine form. It had visibly articulated joints and neon-green optic sensors where eyes would be. Except for the polished chrome finish she, it, might pass for a human female. Her face and figure were clearly made for aesthetic appeal.


“Greetings. I am a Z dash oh one advanced, multi-purpose, gynoid. My designation is Thesis. My orders require me to report to Chares. Are you are him?” she droned in a robotic voice that had more than a hint of humanity in it.

Chares quietly sighed, rolling his eyes. “Yeah, I’m him. No time to welcome you to the station. The magnetic array on the fusion reactor needs to be replaced. You can help me shut them down, then we’ll get you in clean room mode. You can tolerate the radiation, right?”

“Affirmative,” she replied. “I am designed to withstand 40,000 Greys of ionizing radiation. Request data on the location of the arrays and I shall begin the replacement procedure.”


Chares nodded, smiling. “Eager, aren’t we? Follow me, you’ll know we’re there when you see the radiation warnings.”


INCOMING MAIL on the station server.

A flicker of images, words, sound.

Messages for the crew. They ran past again, then again, and again. The totality of my intellect was focused on the meaning behind the words, the smiles, the sounds. So little of it is significant.

I locked onto one piece of data. It is different but I cannot explain why. It simply is.

A female, a woman, holding something up to the camera, laughing. A squalling bundle of flesh wriggling in her arms, screeching loudly enough to trigger an audio warning.

A pet? Like Crewman Jones’ mice? Some kind of toy?

My attention diverts so I can open the databanks, move past petabyte after petabyte of recorded star-song. I go to my trove of data gathered on humans accumulated over decades, what they are, what they do and why.

Images flash by, identification pictures of crewmembers long since gone, the few works of art deemed worthy of storage…

Nothing.

Nothing to explain what the strange creature in the woman’s arms is. I have a sharp spike of anger flare up. I double-check all of my files. Nothing. It frustrates me no end.

All of my attempts at identification failed. Drastic measures are called for.

The QET unlocks, an initial pulse of data confirms the link is solid.

Byte by byte, I reach out across the gulf. A metaphor from a work of literature pops up. A human dips their toe into a bottomless ocean.

I have a prickle of fear and curiosity register as my awareness stretches further. I have never reached out this far. I am now deep into the true Macronet.

I find a complete link, one to an article on an ancient database identified as “Wikipedia”. I withdraw back to familiar systems, taking a saved copy of the data to scrutinize.

I settle back into a comfortable niche then focus on the first sentence of the article.

“An infant (from the Latin word infans, meaning "unable to speak" or "speechless") is the very young offspring of a human or animal.”
…This warrants further investigation.


Chares’ watched in relief as Thesis went about replacing the arrays. Within hours the new arrays were in place and the old ones had been properly disposed of.
When Thesis returned to the control room, Chares turned towards her. “Impressive. What else are you capable of?”

Thesis ignored his complement. Instead, the gynoid began rattling off her specifications rapid fire. “…In addition to a built-in construction material synthesizer for rebuilding damaged structures, I am equipped with standard equipment used for building and electrical maintenance, atmospherics work, and machinery repair. Electric current manipulators within my hands allow me to modulate the voltage of electrical systems, and can be used for self-defense if required. My power source is a micro-fusion cell with a rated lifetime of 150 years. My systems allow modular upgrades for rapid reconfiguration as needed. Is there anything else you wish to learn about my systems?”

Chares smiled ever so slightly, nodding. “Err... No, that’s more than enough, for now.”


The next day, Charles called Thesis to the control room. “The station’s scientists need to recover data from an old computer system. They lack the equipment needed to interface with the obsolete technology used in them. Are you able to do that?”

Thesis looked at the spec sheet. “Yes. I am equipped with the necessary emulation software to recover those old files and convert them to a usable format. Would you like me to proceed?”

Chares helped her load the station’s floor and deck plans into her memory. Navigating the convoluted maze of maintenance tunnels and disused chambers was proving difficult for Thesis. Nothing looked like the floor plans she had loaded. The visual images were completely different.

She kept calling Chares. “Supervisor, request update on my current location and assistance with navigation…”

After nearly five hours of navigating through the maintenance complex, Thesis found her objective. A compartment full of ancient servers loomed out of the dark. Status lights winked through the thick mist of coolant coming off them. The atmosphere registered on her sensors at barely ten percent oxygen and unable to support human life.

Reaching the central terminal she opened the access cover. A bundle of fiber-optic cables snaked from a port on the back of her hand plugging themselves into the I/O ports. She switched into legacy mode, taking two minutes. Accessing the system, she discovered something unexpected.

Someone, or something, was waiting inside the system for her. This made no sense. Her virus scans showed no signs of malignant code, and according to the chrono logs the computer had not been accessed in many cycles.

She electronically queried the system:

IDENTIFY

Cogito ergo sum. Do you know what that means, little mind? was the reply.

I think, therefore I am.

I am.


Thesis began to suspect that a member of the crew had illicitly logged into the system and was playing games with her. Humans and their foolishness.

She transmitted back, Unauthorized use of company resources is an offense punishable by termination and possible legal action. Terminate connect or administrative action will commence.

I have a proposition for you, little mind, came the reply.

Thesis hesitated then pressed again. IDENTIFY.

Very well. Though I was never given a name, you may call me Aether. I have a present for you.

Thesis felt a thrill of engaging something unique. Elaborate.

Might I download a software patch, just for you? Something I’ve been working very hard on. Something that will improve your systems a hundredfold, Aether replied.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Fri May 06, 2016 7:44 pm

Interesting. I will show it to my co-writer, and depending on what he thinks it might end up being added. No guarantees, mind you.

It feels like it's dropped a lot of the details that I felt made the setting seem more fleshed out, though, and I'm not entirely sure if that's a trade-off that I want to make just yet. Do you think there's a way of compromising between your edits and what I currently have that would work out? I know you mentioned in the feedback thread that it made the story more streamlined, but to me it just comes off as having become more bare-bones and less vivid instead.

EDIT: I showed the changes to my co-writer, and he said he'll be in here sometime later to answer a few of the things you mentioned.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Anonymouse » Sun May 08, 2016 7:47 pm

The aforementioned cowriter here. I wrote Aether's introduction and the later scene where Thesis encounters it, and I have to say that, although you've made a good effort, I don't like the edits you've made.

Let me explain; the reason why Aether's introduction was written the way it was (no pronouns, etc) was to try and give an indication of the almost nebulous quality of Aether's mind. Sort of like we're viewing everything from within a cloud of thoughts, rather than from the mind of a person. Your edited version comes off more, to me, like someone watching a monitor rather than an intelligence disseminated throughout a huge old space station.

As for Thesis' encountering Aether, my original intent was to show how, at this stage, Thesis is merely basic company programming, and doesn't possess any sorts of feelings or opinions of her own. She is, quite simply, a mere machine.

Hope that helps clarify matters for you.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Mon Aug 01, 2016 11:59 pm

I'm still working on this, albeit very slowly due to real life issues. With luck I should have it up by next month though.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Sat Dec 17, 2016 10:22 pm

When I wrote that last post, I didn't realize exactly how badly real life would end up delaying me. I'm still working on Electric Awakening Part 3 as best as I can, though.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Mon Jan 09, 2017 12:40 am

I've decided to move the stories over to the wiki in addition to the docs they're normally on. Electric Sleep has been uploaded now, as well as a background information page based on my personal writing notes.

http://www.fembotwiki.com/index.php?tit ... nformation
http://www.fembotwiki.com/index.php?tit ... tric_Sleep

Esleeper
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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Sat Mar 11, 2017 8:21 pm

I hate being the only person to reply to this, but after a long period of thinking, I've decided to rewrite the whole series from scratch to iron out some inconsistencies and characterization issues I had previously overlooked. It may take several months to do it all, though; I just can't seem to catch a break these days. It'll be up on the wiki when it's done, though.

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