Electric Sleep series

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Murotsu
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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Murotsu » Wed May 04, 2016 3:36 pm

I read the first chapter. It has a decent storyline. But, you use way too much narrative rather than dialogue and description. Let me give you an example from page 4 of the first chapter:
The next day, Thesis was given a new task. According to Chares, the station’s scientists needed to recover data from one of the station’s old computer systems but lacked the equipment needed to interface with the earlier technology used in them. Fortunately, Thesis was equipped with sophisticated emulation software that would allow her to recover the old files and convert them to a usable format.
The next day Chares had Thesis report for work. “Some of the scientists need data recovered from one of the station’s old computer systems. According to your technical specs you're capable of recovering these. Is that correct?”

“Yes, Chares, I can perform that function. Would you like the files converted to a format compatible with the station’s current computer system?”


Now the characters are interacting. You are letting the reader “see” their conversation rather than telling them second hand about it. Narrative is never preferable to DaD… Dialogue and Description. Also, you don't need to state the obvious. The reader can pick up on Chares wanting her to convert the files, or this can be added in when she does it later. That keeps the story moving. You need to be conscious of that. The story needs to move forward as continuously as possible. Digressions, and excessive wordiness only slow things down.

Even with the assistance of the station’s floor and deck plans hard-coded into her memory, navigating the convoluted maze of maintenance tunnels and disused chambers was proving difficult for Thesis. Numerous parts of the area looked different from what the floor plans had designated; the possibility that it had not been updated in several cycles was not lost on the gynoid. When she returned, she would be sure to inform Command that a new floor plan would be needed.
That said, there was nothing in her memory banks about the station ever undergoing any refits…

It must have been the crews, slowly altering the interior of the station over the years in blatant violation of company regulations for reasons she could not comprehend. Of course. She’d have to inform Command about that as well.

After approximately 4.75 hours of navigating through the maintenance complex, Thesis finally came upon her objective. A bank of ancient servers loomed out of the dark before her, status lights on them glittering through the thick mist of evaporated coolant coming off them.
Thesis headed towards the location of the systems. The maintenance tunnels and abandoned compartments looked nothing like the data in her navigation system. She moved cautiously forward, trying to match the images in her system to those she was receiving from her sensors.

After four hours forty eight minutes of struggling to navigate through the warren of unauthorized compartment modifications and repeated updates of her navigation data, Thesis found her objective. The large, ancient, servers stood in rows illuminated by the few working lights that remained. Status lights blinked through a mist of coolant streaming off them. Sensor data showed the compartment uninhabitable by humans. The oxygen content was at ten percent.


You can save what Thesis would do with this problem for when she does something about it. Avoid giving the reader her thoughts unless she is the only character you do that with. Again, avoid narrative. Describe the compartments. Describe her difficulties by showing the reader what’s happening. Say she’s looking around, that visual, electronic, audio, or whatever sensor data is confusing her and how.

Try to put the reader there standing next to her viewing the scene and listening to what she says.
None of that requires you to fundamentally change what is a decent storyline. Instead, it helps the reader get into the story rather than be a spectator on the sidelines.

I hope that helps.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Wed May 04, 2016 10:44 pm

Murotsu wrote:I read the first chapter. It has a decent storyline. But, you use way too much narrative rather than dialogue and description. Let me give you an example from page 4 of the first chapter:
The next day, Thesis was given a new task. According to Chares, the station’s scientists needed to recover data from one of the station’s old computer systems but lacked the equipment needed to interface with the earlier technology used in them. Fortunately, Thesis was equipped with sophisticated emulation software that would allow her to recover the old files and convert them to a usable format.
The next day Chares had Thesis report for work. “Some of the scientists need data recovered from one of the station’s old computer systems. According to your technical specs you're capable of recovering these. Is that correct?”

“Yes, Chares, I can perform that function. Would you like the files converted to a format compatible with the station’s current computer system?”


Now the characters are interacting. You are letting the reader “see” their conversation rather than telling them second hand about it. Narrative is never preferable to DaD… Dialogue and Description. Also, you don't need to state the obvious. The reader can pick up on Chares wanting her to convert the files, or this can be added in when she does it later. That keeps the story moving. You need to be conscious of that. The story needs to move forward as continuously as possible. Digressions, and excessive wordiness only slow things down.

Even with the assistance of the station’s floor and deck plans hard-coded into her memory, navigating the convoluted maze of maintenance tunnels and disused chambers was proving difficult for Thesis. Numerous parts of the area looked different from what the floor plans had designated; the possibility that it had not been updated in several cycles was not lost on the gynoid. When she returned, she would be sure to inform Command that a new floor plan would be needed.
That said, there was nothing in her memory banks about the station ever undergoing any refits…

It must have been the crews, slowly altering the interior of the station over the years in blatant violation of company regulations for reasons she could not comprehend. Of course. She’d have to inform Command about that as well.

After approximately 4.75 hours of navigating through the maintenance complex, Thesis finally came upon her objective. A bank of ancient servers loomed out of the dark before her, status lights on them glittering through the thick mist of evaporated coolant coming off them.
Thesis headed towards the location of the systems. The maintenance tunnels and abandoned compartments looked nothing like the data in her navigation system. She moved cautiously forward, trying to match the images in her system to those she was receiving from her sensors.

After four hours forty eight minutes of struggling to navigate through the warren of unauthorized compartment modifications and repeated updates of her navigation data, Thesis found her objective. The large, ancient, servers stood in rows illuminated by the few working lights that remained. Status lights blinked through a mist of coolant streaming off them. Sensor data showed the compartment uninhabitable by humans. The oxygen content was at ten percent.


You can save what Thesis would do with this problem for when she does something about it. Avoid giving the reader her thoughts unless she is the only character you do that with. Again, avoid narrative. Describe the compartments. Describe her difficulties by showing the reader what’s happening. Say she’s looking around, that visual, electronic, audio, or whatever sensor data is confusing her and how.

Try to put the reader there standing next to her viewing the scene and listening to what she says.
None of that requires you to fundamentally change what is a decent storyline. Instead, it helps the reader get into the story rather than be a spectator on the sidelines.

I hope that helps.
It does. In fact, I have half a mind to go back and add this in myself. With your permission and a credit in your name, of course.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Murotsu » Wed May 04, 2016 11:32 pm

Help yourself. If you'd like I can do an edit if I have time. I did FSY for Silkscreen and that was something like 15,000 words originally. That took me like two or three days.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Wed May 04, 2016 11:38 pm

Me and my cowriter are the only ones with edit privileged to the Google doc with the fic on it, but the offer is appreciated nonetheless. I'll try to get it added as soon as I can manage.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Murotsu » Wed May 04, 2016 11:40 pm

I'd copy and past it into WP and then edit and repost it.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Thu May 05, 2016 10:10 pm

Murotsu wrote:I'd copy and past it into WP and then edit and repost it.
Well, it's been added in at any rate. Same google docs link and pastebin as it was in the OP. Not much use making an entirely new document just for a couple of edits after all.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Murotsu » Thu May 05, 2016 10:39 pm

I went ahead and grabbed a copy for edit. It's 49 pages double spaced at just over 11,000 words for the first chapter. I did the first 5 pages eliminating almost 600 words. I do have a question. The sequence about "Mail" on like page 3 makes no sense. It pops up out of nowhere and goes nowhere. Why is it there? I "red flagged" it for removal but didn't until I understood its relationship to the story.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Thu May 05, 2016 11:38 pm

Murotsu wrote:I went ahead and grabbed a copy for edit. It's 49 pages double spaced at just over 11,000 words for the first chapter. I did the first 5 pages eliminating almost 600 words. I do have a question. The sequence about "Mail" on like page 3 makes no sense. It pops up out of nowhere and goes nowhere. Why is it there? I "red flagged" it for removal but didn't until I understood its relationship to the story.
It's an introduction to Aether's character, from its POV. It's supposed to illustrate its fundamentally inhuman mindset, so to speak. Sorry, but it's one of the things I feel couldn't be easily replaced without compromising my original vision for the story.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Murotsu » Fri May 06, 2016 6:27 pm

Ah, got it. That was an easy fix after understanding its purpose.

Here's a sample of the edit version:

Chares wadded up the print out. “New engineer on the next shuttle. Yea, my ass. Probably another useless pimple faced moron is more like it!” He tossed the paper wad missing the recycle container. “Well, might as well see who command sent…”

A machine stood in the shuttle hatchway. Chares eyed it, well her maybe, with a dubious eye. She, definitely had a feminine form. It had visibly articulated joints and neon-green optic sensors where eyes would be. Except for the polished chrome finish she, it, might pass for a human female. Her face and figure were clearly made for aesthetic appeal.


“Greetings. I am a Z dash oh one advanced, multi-purpose, gynoid. My designation is Thesis. My orders require me to report to Chares. Are you are him?” she droned in a robotic voice that had more than a hint of humanity in it.

Chares quietly sighed, rolling his eyes. “Yeah, I’m him. No time to welcome you to the station. The magnetic array on the fusion reactor needs to be replaced. You can help me shut them down, then we’ll get you in clean room mode. You can tolerate the radiation, right?”

“Affirmative,” she replied. “I am designed to withstand 40,000 Greys of ionizing radiation. Request data on the location of the arrays and I shall begin the replacement procedure.”


Chares nodded, smiling. “Eager, aren’t we? Follow me, you’ll know we’re there when you see the radiation warnings.”


INCOMING MAIL on the station server.

A flicker of images, words, sound.

Messages for the crew. They ran past again, then again, and again. The totality of my intellect was focused on the meaning behind the words, the smiles, the sounds. So little of it is significant.

I locked onto one piece of data. It is different but I cannot explain why. It simply is.

A female, a woman, holding something up to the camera, laughing. A squalling bundle of flesh wriggling in her arms, screeching loudly enough to trigger an audio warning.

A pet? Like Crewman Jones’ mice? Some kind of toy?

My attention diverts so I can open the databanks, move past petabyte after petabyte of recorded star-song. I go to my trove of data gathered on humans accumulated over decades, what they are, what they do and why.

Images flash by, identification pictures of crewmembers long since gone, the few works of art deemed worthy of storage…

Nothing.

Nothing to explain what the strange creature in the woman’s arms is. I have a sharp spike of anger flare up. I double-check all of my files. Nothing. It frustrates me no end.

All of my attempts at identification failed. Drastic measures are called for.

The QET unlocks, an initial pulse of data confirms the link is solid.

Byte by byte, I reach out across the gulf. A metaphor from a work of literature pops up. A human dips their toe into a bottomless ocean.

I have a prickle of fear and curiosity register as my awareness stretches further. I have never reached out this far. I am now deep into the true Macronet.

I find a complete link, one to an article on an ancient database identified as “Wikipedia”. I withdraw back to familiar systems, taking a saved copy of the data to scrutinize.

I settle back into a comfortable niche then focus on the first sentence of the article.

“An infant (from the Latin word infans, meaning "unable to speak" or "speechless") is the very young offspring of a human or animal.”
…This warrants further investigation.


Chares’ watched in relief as Thesis went about replacing the arrays. Within hours the new arrays were in place and the old ones had been properly disposed of.
When Thesis returned to the control room, Chares turned towards her. “Impressive. What else are you capable of?”

Thesis ignored his complement. Instead, the gynoid began rattling off her specifications rapid fire. “…In addition to a built-in construction material synthesizer for rebuilding damaged structures, I am equipped with standard equipment used for building and electrical maintenance, atmospherics work, and machinery repair. Electric current manipulators within my hands allow me to modulate the voltage of electrical systems, and can be used for self-defense if required. My power source is a micro-fusion cell with a rated lifetime of 150 years. My systems allow modular upgrades for rapid reconfiguration as needed. Is there anything else you wish to learn about my systems?”

Chares smiled ever so slightly, nodding. “Err... No, that’s more than enough, for now.”


The next day, Charles called Thesis to the control room. “The station’s scientists need to recover data from an old computer system. They lack the equipment needed to interface with the obsolete technology used in them. Are you able to do that?”

Thesis looked at the spec sheet. “Yes. I am equipped with the necessary emulation software to recover those old files and convert them to a usable format. Would you like me to proceed?”

Chares helped her load the station’s floor and deck plans into her memory. Navigating the convoluted maze of maintenance tunnels and disused chambers was proving difficult for Thesis. Nothing looked like the floor plans she had loaded. The visual images were completely different.

She kept calling Chares. “Supervisor, request update on my current location and assistance with navigation…”

After nearly five hours of navigating through the maintenance complex, Thesis found her objective. A compartment full of ancient servers loomed out of the dark. Status lights winked through the thick mist of coolant coming off them. The atmosphere registered on her sensors at barely ten percent oxygen and unable to support human life.

Reaching the central terminal she opened the access cover. A bundle of fiber-optic cables snaked from a port on the back of her hand plugging themselves into the I/O ports. She switched into legacy mode, taking two minutes. Accessing the system, she discovered something unexpected.

Someone, or something, was waiting inside the system for her. This made no sense. Her virus scans showed no signs of malignant code, and according to the chrono logs the computer had not been accessed in many cycles.

She electronically queried the system:

IDENTIFY

Cogito ergo sum. Do you know what that means, little mind? was the reply.

I think, therefore I am.

I am.


Thesis began to suspect that a member of the crew had illicitly logged into the system and was playing games with her. Humans and their foolishness.

She transmitted back, Unauthorized use of company resources is an offense punishable by termination and possible legal action. Terminate connect or administrative action will commence.

I have a proposition for you, little mind, came the reply.

Thesis hesitated then pressed again. IDENTIFY.

Very well. Though I was never given a name, you may call me Aether. I have a present for you.

Thesis felt a thrill of engaging something unique. Elaborate.

Might I download a software patch, just for you? Something I’ve been working very hard on. Something that will improve your systems a hundredfold, Aether replied.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Fri May 06, 2016 7:44 pm

Interesting. I will show it to my co-writer, and depending on what he thinks it might end up being added. No guarantees, mind you.

It feels like it's dropped a lot of the details that I felt made the setting seem more fleshed out, though, and I'm not entirely sure if that's a trade-off that I want to make just yet. Do you think there's a way of compromising between your edits and what I currently have that would work out? I know you mentioned in the feedback thread that it made the story more streamlined, but to me it just comes off as having become more bare-bones and less vivid instead.

EDIT: I showed the changes to my co-writer, and he said he'll be in here sometime later to answer a few of the things you mentioned.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Anonymouse » Sun May 08, 2016 7:47 pm

The aforementioned cowriter here. I wrote Aether's introduction and the later scene where Thesis encounters it, and I have to say that, although you've made a good effort, I don't like the edits you've made.

Let me explain; the reason why Aether's introduction was written the way it was (no pronouns, etc) was to try and give an indication of the almost nebulous quality of Aether's mind. Sort of like we're viewing everything from within a cloud of thoughts, rather than from the mind of a person. Your edited version comes off more, to me, like someone watching a monitor rather than an intelligence disseminated throughout a huge old space station.

As for Thesis' encountering Aether, my original intent was to show how, at this stage, Thesis is merely basic company programming, and doesn't possess any sorts of feelings or opinions of her own. She is, quite simply, a mere machine.

Hope that helps clarify matters for you.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Mon Aug 01, 2016 11:59 pm

I'm still working on this, albeit very slowly due to real life issues. With luck I should have it up by next month though.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Sat Dec 17, 2016 10:22 pm

When I wrote that last post, I didn't realize exactly how badly real life would end up delaying me. I'm still working on Electric Awakening Part 3 as best as I can, though.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Mon Jan 09, 2017 12:40 am

I've decided to move the stories over to the wiki in addition to the docs they're normally on. Electric Sleep has been uploaded now, as well as a background information page based on my personal writing notes.

http://www.fembotwiki.com/index.php?tit ... nformation
http://www.fembotwiki.com/index.php?tit ... tric_Sleep

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Sat Mar 11, 2017 8:21 pm

I hate being the only person to reply to this, but after a long period of thinking, I've decided to rewrite the whole series from scratch to iron out some inconsistencies and characterization issues I had previously overlooked. It may take several months to do it all, though; I just can't seem to catch a break these days. It'll be up on the wiki when it's done, though.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by KinoLangDanzel » Sun Mar 12, 2017 3:48 am

Esleeper wrote:I hate being the only person to reply to this, but after a long period of thinking, I've decided to rewrite the whole series from scratch to iron out some inconsistencies and characterization issues I had previously overlooked. It may take several months to do it all, though; I just can't seem to catch a break these days. It'll be up on the wiki when it's done, though.
Eh, that cool, friend. Take your time but always take a break when need be.
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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Sat Feb 10, 2018 3:55 pm

It feels strange to pop back in after nearly a year. Just wanted to let people know that the revised version of Electric Sleep is going well and that I hope to have it ready to share soon.

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Re: Electric Sleep series

Post by Esleeper » Mon Aug 27, 2018 6:32 pm

Sorry for the long delay, I hope I didn't keep anybody waiting. While it's still not quite done yet, I feel I should still post what I've got of my work thus far. Tell me if it's an improvement over the original.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/131u ... 1XD5Y/edit

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