Lost but Found, 1 - Rain

[gynoneko]

Made a slight change to the description of the mystery girl. She has longer dark hair, not light brown hair, and her ID number is slightly altered. Sorry again for these changes.

[gynoneko]

I'm posting here to say I am picking up this story again, and I have fixed the links so you should be able to read through this easily with all the links I provided. So if you are interested in getting into this story, start here, the links should all work now.

[Murotsu]

Not a bad storyline, but it's wordy and has a lot of narrative that slows it down. Just grabbing a paragraph at random:

As I held the lifeless cold body, I saw her entire form for the first time. She was breathtaking, like a sleeping beauty. Her still form made her look like she was asleep. She appeared to be in her early-to-mid 20s. Her dark hair fell to her shoulders, maybe lower, and the rain was beating it down onto her face and darkening her hair to black. She had a cute, small nose with a slight upturn to it, and full pouty lips. Water dripped down her pale skin, dripping off her chin and following the curve of her shapely breasts. They were not large breasts, but they were not small either. They were full and perky, and just the right size. Little puddles of water formed in various places on her body as I held her, as though she wore a dress of flowing water and light. Her sweet scent filled my nostrils, and I knew in that moment that she was something special, something more than just a robot.

I held the lifeless, cold, body looking her over. She was breathtaking. This sleeping beauty looked to be in her early twenties. Rain was falling on her dark, shoulder length hair and face. She had a cute nose and pouty, full, lips. The rain ran in little rivers over her perfect, shapely breasts. Her scent mixed with the rain. My senses were overwhelmed. I knew now she was something special, and more than a mere robot.

I'm not saying that's perfect. It isn't. But, it conveys the same scene in far fewer words. It's concise and compact. Modern fiction writing generally follows that sort of pattern. Let the reader imagine the scene in more detail. Give them enough to tease out their imagination and let it run wild rather than tell them in excruciating, and long winded detail everything. Put her in an interesting dress and let the reader do the undressing rather than do it for them.

[gynoneko]

I'll work on that , although I will point out that I wrote that about 2 years ago, but I'll keep it in mind for future writings. Thanks.