That's who i am.

General chat about fembots, technosexual culture or any other ASFR related topics that do not fit into the other categories below.
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BD
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That's who i am.

Post by BD » Sat May 20, 2017 11:01 pm

This story starts before i hit 10 years old. Because once i hit 5 and understood how to read i basically ate everything that was in my parents' library and that was related to science fiction and fantasy.

When i was little i always liked women stronger than me. But also women i could maybe help in some way. I was the stupid kid that was not even strong physically as stupid kids ought to have been by all accounts. And i liked Fantasy stories and Science Fiction stories. Specifically that sub-genre where the women were warriors that did not fare too badly against danger as other stuff would have. Giant women that could lift rocks. Or cyber-enhanced women that could run five kilometres in less than ten minutes. But also women that would need help at some point because winning at everything is never possible. And i wanted to be the guy that admired those women when they succeeded and was there for them when they failed. I wanted for them to be everything i was not and at the same time i wanted to be there to help when they were down at my level, because when somebody has never been reduced to my level... i can understand that it's scary and if they were strong as i imagined them to be, then they would leap forward again after i was able to help them.

And so i read and i read and i read.

The terminator was a bad ass movie that had come when i was 6, but very few people understood what i admired of the terminator. For many it was just the bad guy and a bad guy that somehow was defeated by a frail woman. Yet i admired the terminator, not because he was trying to hurt a woman, but because he had a mission in his life. And he was giving it all beyond the limit. And when he inevitably failed... because he was a bad guy, and bad guys had to lose... it was cathartic for 2 reasons.

1) He had given it all. He was literally reduced to a skeleton and then even suffered the worst kind of kneecapping. Yet he endured. Nobody could say he was a bad guy that went down once he was discovered he was the bad guy (as it happened in most other movies) he died with determination. (funnily enough that's what he's defined as in the "tv tropes" wikipedia. "The Determinator")

2) The woman saved herself even if she was far inferior, even if she was far outmatched. She did not do anything exceptional. She used what she saw. She was lucky, but she survived.

You have no idea how much i liked that movie and how much i hated that it got so many things right and yet it was considered an horror movie because of what it presented. I wanted to be that woman, and i wanted to have the terminator on my side. Only both with swapped genders. And we would make things right and everything.

Yet the terminator was a man. The woman was a woman. And the terminator was against the woman.

And then when i was 10 i noticed a video game at my arcade. Ninja Warriors. It had just came out. As a video game sucked, but my first play was with a friend and i was player 2. In case you don't know, at that time when people played at the arcade, the character seldomly was selectable. You would get to play one thing as player one. And another as player 2.

Player 2 was the kunoichi.

Also ninja warriors was a game where you start out as what looks like a human, but if you get hit, each location that got hit would scrape away the skin and reveal that you were a robot.

We were able only to get as far as the tank with its machine gun. The machine gun devastated my kunoichi, but that's also when i understood that she was entirely a robot, because the machine gun hit her everywhere (only her ponytail remained). And i watched her transfixed as she crumbled down in pieces. Up until that point i thought she was one of my heroines, with maybe a cybernetic arm or cybernetic legs.

I did not understand up until that point that i was playing a female version of the terminator. I did not know english, after all, and games were in english. Whatever little backstory they had was lost on me.

This was my fantasy. I was helping the fucking gender-swapped terminator kill a bunch of people for a good cause! Or at least i hoped so... it's not like i could understand the story. All i knew was that as long as i had another friend to play with me i could be player 2 and fulfil my fantasy.

Except.

Except "Robocop" had just came out a few months before.

It showed the machine feeling pain. It was still a determinator. But was not unfeeling.

I ended up hating myself. I hated myself because i wanted to see the machinery behind the fake skin, because if i saw the machinery i could confirm, that yes, my dream was true... but to do so you had to get hit, but as you got hit you lost. You could survive as a machine skeleton, but you had so little life left that basically... you were dead. It was not my fantasy. Because i was hurting her to fulfill my fantasy. And i got disgusted with myself. I hated that in order to see her for what she was i basically had to kill her. That was the opposite of my fantasy.

In order to fulfil my fantasy i had become the monster that tortured the machine.

Also i hated the fact that in order to get to play her i had to play with a friend. And everybody was adding things up and understanding that i really liked seeing her as a machine. That i really hated what i was doing to her. And that i was extremely sensible about that.

The jokes started arriving and they hit low at a moment in which i was far too vulnerable. jokes about me liking square vaginas. Or that i liked seeing breasts so firm that if she turned too sharply i could get my eyes poked out.

I was never so happy as when i had to move out of town and away from friends in order to get to middle school.

During middle school two things happened.

The first was that i got my first computer at age 11. It was 1988. The computer was a Vic-20. It came with a 350 page manual on how to make programs with it in a language called "basic". I did the most idiotic things on that computer, from random mazes to weird stuff.

But since you had to actually know assembler language in order to make "sprites", i could not do much.

Yes it was a computer that you could program in basic language, but if you wanted to really do anything graphic with it and not just text-based you had to know how it worked so well that it was impossible for me, since i only had access to the basic language manual.

Now i know that what you had to do was either rewrite the characters into frames of animation, so that each character available would become a single frame of animation for something you wanted to see on screen. You had 128 characters available, and with that you had to be able to make scenery and enemies and your character self. Useless to say that i slaved over the thing.

The games were forced to be open source, because you did not have "executable" files on that machine, you just had a program, that you could "list" (see what was written in it) or "run".

But in the end, the only thing i was ever able to accomplish were text adventures. If i "list"-ed the video games i had, i could understand the mechanics behind the games. But anything about graphics or sound were "poke"s. A "poke" was a direct assembly injection. You had to know what was in memory inside the vic-20 at the time you did a "poke" in order to understand its results. Needless to say the machine had to be reset between a game and another. In fact if a game had graphics, then it did not have a quit command. You had to turn off the machine and lose all the data in order to be able to play a different game. (i had only 5 games on it i don't know if other games were different)

My 11 years old mind could not comprehend assembly language. We did not have a computer teacher at any nearby school. It was 1989. It was Italy. All i had was a 350 page brick of a manual, and all i could do were text adventures. Actually... no.... all i could do were "choose your own adventure". You had branching paths and followed one.

But i did not understand. For me they were text adventures.

Just for myself.

I could not bring myself to be again "the joke".

People did not know how much i would have liked that "square vagina" or those "hard hitting tit swings".

It kept me awake at nights thinking about stuff i understood i could not confess anymore but really wanted to have.

Because if i revealed i would have wanted to have those things i would be "the joke".

Also there were a few movies out at that time that showed "robotic" women. But they either were just robots in name only or even something "magic", as in "they came out of the computer" stuff of women being projected. Fact is that most fantasies that felt right were not the ones that involved women cybernetic women, they were ones that involved men.

"Fun" fact. I hated myself. I have never been gay. I told myself "It would have been simpler if i had been gay" which nowadays i realise it was very stupid. Everything i liked had to be gender swapped to fulfil my fantasies. When they did not have to be gender swapped was because just one of the "pair of buddies" had to get gender swapped to fulfil my fantasies. Also they would have to get much more intimate.

After i passed my 11th year there were reruns of tv shows that somehow were already too old. But i was not interested in the "bionic woman" the only times she did not just save herself was when there was the "6 million dollars man" to help her. And this did not work with my fantasies at the time. I wanted her to succeed but i also wanted to have somebody like me to help her from time to time, not yet another superman.

I was much instead interested in "automan". Except that that had to get one of the buddy pair gender swapped.

I was 13 when i first saw "small wonder". I don't know if it had just been dubbed or if it was a rerun. However she was already too young for me (she looked 10, and a 10 year old to a 13 year old is basically paedophilia). And also too stupid. But she was strong, and she could do stuff just like my fantasies. So why had she to be that young and that stupid?

I was also 13 when i first saw a show that in italy was called "supercar", but is definitively most known around the world as "knight rider". Again, that was even more perfect than "Automan", which anyway, after 2 years had gotten old, as it was always the same 10 or so episodes on a cycle. Rerun to death. And Again "supercar" was perfect. Sure the man was a bad ass. But the car was so much more bad ass than him. And they saved the world by exploding dynamite in the trunk or driving through walls or jumping over trains and even canyons. The car got hurt, the car got repaired, the car changed, they lived on.

I got angrier and angrier with myself. At 13 those aren't anymore "fantasies" of a kid that likes "cool stuff". I wanted something i could like, but i could not find anything tailored for me. I always had to play fantasies in my mind where i gender swapped stuff, except that they would eventually return in their original gender. And they would ruin the mood completely. While i masturbated. Worst case of cockblock that could be experienced.

I could not bring myself to express my feelings to the girls in my class because at that age... well... i still hated "the joke". I still hated that it was supposed to be ridicule. I still hated nobody understood how much i yearned for that stuff, yet it was "the joke".

Even movies told me that to like a machine sexually was supposed to be a joke. If a woman was a machine, it was either to be a point of ridicule, or to show she was fake and she had to be destroyed.

I was told at age 13 that everything i liked had to be either a joke or some abomination to hate. No in between. My only option was to be the protagonist of "the sandman". To lose my mind yearning for "an abomination".

Yes 13 years old are moody. But i wanted to hit the world. Except that i was the idiot kid that was a bit pudgy. Not too much weight that he could not be lifted overhead and thrown one full floor below as it happened once. But pudgy enough that any fight i tried to take... i would lose. I just did not have the strength. I was not into sports. I spent too much time on my Vic-20 writing "choose your own adventures" just for myself. It was an obsession.

It was also a lot of self loathing. I hated i could not do more. One of the cassettes i had was just a picture of an hummingbird drinking from a flower. It was a static picture. That's all that there was in that cassette. Something that if you run it it would show you a picture of an hummingbird in 16 "glorious" colours. With a resolution of 44 by 30. Obtained by just making each character an half block. Colouring the half block one color, and then the background of that character a different color (that's how sprites of different colours were made in the vic-20) and also somehow adding 3 columns at the end of the screen.

This was done with minimal "poke"-ing. Yet i could not understand it. My 13 years old mind could not understand something so... "basic". It was just too much for me. I tried fiddling with the program. I could see what it was doing. I could not see *HOW* it was doing it. I was obsessing over something that could help me "visualise". They would not be anymore just text adventures. Except it could not. I had hit an "invisible wall".

That year was the end of 1990. The year Terminator 2 came out in Italy.

Moviegoing had always been a passion of mine ever since i was allowed a public bus season ticket to attend the now too far middle school. When i saw the trailer for that movie. I knew i had only one chance. Did i want to go alone? Or bring a girl? Maybe if i brought a girl i would not have to fantasise about the terminator becoming a woman.

So i asked a girl out. She thought it was a joke. Going to see a terminator movie? She wanted to go see another kind of movie. So i asked a second girl. Same answer.

My third choice should have been the first. She was a girl interested in video games. Except that she had a much more powerful NES at home. She did not know how to program it because her "console" never came with the 350 page brick of a manual. Also her console did not have a keyboard. She started even lower than me. She was a consumer not a creator. She had a better machine but she could do nothing on her own. She had money to buy games, though. And we often played. But it was not the same.

She was interested in terminator. But she had picked up how much i liked her NES than her. How i researched on magazines how it worked. She told me a lot of times that she did not like that i went to her house for her games and not for her. But we joked a lot. I thought for her it was easy to "close one eye" and let it slip. She was really easygoing and we could make jokes. only i never told her about the games i created at home. She was just "another firend".

The fact that she was the third girl i asked to go see that movie was the last straw for her.

She told me plain and clear: "Listen you idiot. My vagina isn't a NES cartridge than you can blow on and it will work again." i don't know why she chose that analogy. But i stopped asking every other girl in the class. And spent the rest of the day crying.

I masturbated furiously that night. The fucking image of a nes cartrige as a vagina would not go away. And i imagined its square hole as the "square vagina" of "the joke". And the read contacts as a blade that would cut my dick for how stupid i was. I deserved being insulted like that. I hated everything.

Yet i could not come. I did not orgasm either.

Unluckily it turns out not only i wasn't gay. I wasn't a masochist either. I was just furious with myself. But i did not like hurting myself in a sexual way. It might seem my fantasies would align with masochism. But they do not. I just like powerful women. I don't like being hurt. I got hurt too many times in those years, from being slammed face first to walls, to being thrown one floor below, to crashing full speed into chest high walls while riding a bicycle. As i said i had picked out a number of fights because i had a short temper due to all this frustration.

I knew that i did not like being hurt. I wanted a saviour exactly because i did not like being hurt.

Then i saw Terminator 2. It was glorious. It was exactly my fantasy. It was still fucking gender swapped. People cried at the thumbs up. I cried because it was way too perfect, yet way too wrong.

I had to endure middle school only for half term after that.

I changed town yet again for high school. Good. I could not see any of the girls anymore. I just could not.

I know today that the girl with the NES years later even got famous. I saw her on TV several years ago. She's a jazz player now. We had completely lost contact. She did not return the call when i left a message at her recording machine. Either she did not remember about me. Or worse. She *did* remember.

But high school started different. For starters my 13 years old mind had something new. I had met other boys that i could chat with. After the "Terminator 2" accident i could not bring myself to speak to a girl so easily anymore. And these boys, for once.... they weren't all interested in sports. Something i had started to hate due to being on the receiving end of "the hurts". "Hurts" that i did get because i was a frustrated barely teenager kid that wanted to vent. And vented against people doing sports because they seemed to have no interest in common with me.

So yeah. Pudgy kid. Hates sports. Loves to read. Fantasy and Science Fiction. No friends to speak of. All ties cut from the past. My cliché level was over 9000. Incidentally i could not know about this specific meme at that time because not even the comic containing that line had been written yet.

I also had stopped playing with my Vic-20.

It was upstairs. Near the fireplace. I could not bring myself to it anymore.

Every time i went near it the vivid image of the "square vagina with the blade inside" would hit me like a brick. I did not like being hurt anymore.

My new friends, however, provided me with a new source of creative venting.

ROLEPLAYING GAMES.

And yes. Apparently the power level of cliché over 9000 is a fricking 5 digit "all 7" on a slot machine raining all the gold coins contained in D&D's red box. Which was actually white in the version i played. But i digress.

You have no idea how much i wanted to have a Cariatid companion. The only overtly female golem available in the sets of books that we had available.

But i could not tell my new friends.

I already knew they would not understand.

"The joke" had evolved into "the bladed vagina".

And it hurt. It hurt too much.

I even stopped masturbating because i could not unsee Arnold as the terminator. I could not gender swap people anymore in my imagination.

While roleplaying my friends would turn away all girls because "they would not understand". They were idiots. I knew very well that girls would understand perfectly. They weren't limited to "fashion" and that's it. I had seen girls playing videogames before. And i had seen girls stand for other people before like the paladins in our stories. I just had lost all ties with the girls and i was afraid of them.

So yes. I continued to scrape by. Grades steadily allowing me to pass the year.

It was 1992 when i did get a new computer. It was an amstrad 80286 clocked at 16 megahertz, it had 1 megabyte of ram 12 megabytes of hard drive and a freaking math coprocessor! It! Was! Glorious!


My interest was renewed.... and destroyed immediately. I could not program it. You needed to know a "programming language", and you needed to get a "compiler".

But! Well...

...but now the town had a "computer teacher". But unlike state owned schools, which are free here in italy, you had to get private lessons. Which meant paying. So i asked my parents to get these lessons. They obliged. I went there. I was the only kid in the "class". Every other person was well over 20. Some even in their 50s.

I was too enthusiast. I asked questions. I wanted to UNDERSTAND computers. I wanted to build the machine i could love.

The teacher moved lessons to a different day of the week.

And did not send me a notice to when they were held.

The teacher wanted to lose me. I was not absorbing the knowledge. I was curious. I was disruptive. I was to be singled out. So that the other people who had paid could get their money's worth of knowledge. After all he had only 50 lessons to teach everybody all that they needed. A stupid kid asking all those questions would need "very private lessons". Basically i had to cough up 5 times as much as what my parents had paid to get personal lessons in which i was the sole student. And those lessons would be shorter and in lesser number. And i would have to behave or he would not infuse me with his knowledge.

As you might expect my parents did not believe in me. They saw my grades at school. They did not wish to spend money to get me to understand how this pc worked. They would pay less and give me already made programs that would do what i would need. For school or games.

At that time i also discovered in horror how much each game costed. Basically if i saved my lunch money each day by eating nothing i would be able to afford a couple of games per year.

Not only i was demoted from a "invisible wall"-ed creator of limited power to the level of a simple customer. I was also unable to afford much as a customer. Luckily piracy was an option. So i started breaking the law to get as much content as i could. Luckily you did not need to know how to program, only how to get the stuff. And i was finally starting to learn english, fuelled by the fact that i hated all i could do with my "super machine" was playing games.

And i could not understand a single word. Luckily i had studied french. and some games involving robot girls were in french. But again those were sex objects, no more no less. In some cases very literally so, as they were porn games. It was fun to over-smart them. It made me feel empowered. But it also made me understand how the fetish i liked was not the fetish everybody else assumed that it was to be liked.

Years passed. My 286 became a 486 and then a pentium. I was always seeking "the cutting edge". But i was always a simple user. Bad at that. Because exactly as my grades had to be scraped i always cheated at games. If my wish fulfilment of being saved could now be fulfilled. Might as well throw all those pretences to the wind. I would be my own her in the video games. And my computer. My beloved very powerful always cutting edge computer would be the one that allowed me to play the newest game. And would save me from any harm, by simply accepting the codes i gave it. Which would give me invincibility, infinite ammo and so on and so forth.

Internet had not become a thing yet. "multiplayer" meant inviting friends over and playing turns in tactics games or playing split screen. But aside from the roleplaying group i did not have friends. Everybody else was always talking sports. I still hated sports. And the more you hate sports the less you know about them. And the less you know about them, the less you can start knowing. And the more difficult it was to start, the more i wanted to "leave that stuff to others, i have better".

You know teenagers.

I had descended into a spiral of isolation, but i felt i was king of the world. Because my computer was there. It was my love. My powerful, admirable saviour. The thing which i wanted.

It was also very glitch-y. So i learned a lot about computer stuff not by studying, but by making lots and lots of mistakes. And i started liking those glitches. I could understand them. Popular computer magazines could not tell me how to program. The magazines that could tell me how to program weren't mainstream enough to be found in my rural town's tobacco shop, which also sold the newspapers and the magazines.

So i basically had to learn by "reading in between the lines" of gaming magazines. What was overtly said by one magazine but also what was said by piecing the information from another two or three others.

I used the game magazines also to know which games to pirate next. Without internet pirating was basically "get the game from Mr. Foo, make a copy and sell it to Mr. Bar". and also to learn as much as i could.

1995 arrived. Ghost in the Shell was dubbed and released. I went into the theatre to see it. I was expecting to get glimpses of some free boob from a nice looking lady.

I came out lusting for lesbian videos. Now every lesbian video got muted instantly and it all became some erotic fan-fiction in my mind about Mokoto and the puppeteer.

I finally had my movie.

A few months later i went to the US. Because in the US high school ends at 4th year instead of 5th like in Italy, and also because everybody told me that american high schools were way simpler than italian ones, so i could get some decent grasp of english, get an high school diploma come back, get the italian high school diploma, and go to university at a discount.

And it was glorious. When i was in the US no more i was scraping grades, but even with my bare understanding of the language (the first months i was heavily relying on a pocket dictionary) i was getting straight As everywhere, because yes, turns out american high schools not only are simpler than italian ones but also way less crammed. You only got 6 subjects, instead of the 14 i was used to here in italy. Also each day you had each subject at the same hour of the day each week. Also lessons did not end at 12 but lasted well into the first hours of the afternoon. Teachers weren't forced to cram an entire subject in a couple of weekly hours. The same stuff that i was here in italy forced to learn by piecing together whatever was said in a couple of weekly hours now had 5 hours per subject. I wasn't feeling stupid anymore.

I also learned a lot of english by continuing into roleplaying games. Except for one thing.

I had discovered AOL. Of which my host family had a subscription.

And with AOL i discovered Usenet.

And with Usenet i had discovered ASFR.

ASFR stands for Alt.Sex.Fetish.Robots nowadays a fetish called Technophilia, but for me it will always be called ASFR.

Alt.Sex.Fetish.Robots was a usenet group.

What today we would call a "forum" except it was somewhat different.

Starting with the absence of a graphic user interface.

I could read it by using telnet to access a server that had Lynx installed and access to a daily synced cache of messages.

I don't know your age, but if you think i just said random words you have no idea how much less user friendly computers were at that time.

Also i was on read-only. Because of the keyword "sex" in the name. And this was Tennessee that was hosting me.

After a few months however i lost interest in both ASFR and Roleplaying Games.

Le'ts say it was a "content expectation mismatch".

ASFR was mostly about actively destroying the fembots while raping them, or talk about soft chrome coloured bodies, or remote controls that would allow you to command the fem-bot. The only thing i found interesting was the "unwilling malfunction" aspect of the fetish. I could relate to that. My "saviour" back at home was constantly needing tune ups to continue functioning. I was constantly tweaking it and it needed to be constantly adjusted or it would malfunction in some ways similar to the fem-bots of these stories. I could practically pinpoint the ways in which they malfunctioned.

But those stories were few and far between. And the well written ones even more so. It was all about dismantling, destructing, controlling and in general behaving like absolute dicks to my beloved fem-bots which more over than not were either pompously evil or idiot bimbos... or pompously idiotic evil bimbos.

At least all this stuff gave me a taste for the "Trash" genre. I liked the best written "trash". Most usually because they were parodies. They used the same tropes of the rest of ASFR, but so absurdly pushed over the edge that they made you laugh. I could understand that you could only laugh at that stuff.

It was my fetish, but at the same time it wasn't. What little there was... was often submerged by stuff that made me sick. I did become desensitized to the wanton destruction and the misoginy...

...but in the end i had to leave it. I had found a few pay sites and i was writing them down. I would subscribe once i went back in italy. After i got internet there too.

These pay sites were very simple. They were image sites. While they had stories, all you had to do was subscribe and then you could download all the images there. Created with actual beautiful models. Photoshopped into having open panels and showing machinery under the skin.

If this was the closest i could get. Then that's what i would get. Also many of them offered lesbian porn (which after ghost in the shell i was still obsessed with) photoshopped into the actresses caressing the internal components of each other or some stuff like that.

Sure they looked human, but who cared, it was the *least compromise* i had *ever* gotten.

I said that i had basically left roleplaying games. Fact is that "hate of the different" apparently was a very heavy thing in there too. In my hometown in Italy "girls were not allowed"... that was true. But you could play a girl and nobody would bat an eye. In fact i did not just play girls in italy i played all sorts of things. From slimes to golems to gnolls to whatever i fancied each time. Once i even played a talking sword. It was almost my dream. I was playing a character that could do almost nothing on its own but was invaluable in the hands on the barbarian goddess played by a friend of mine. The only problem of this dream was that the "barbarian goddess" in the fantasy was a guy in real life.

Again.

The problem here being that after Terminator 2 my "gender swapping" imagination did not seem to work anymore and i was still not gay.

So i still got a kick from these fantasies, they were rally fun... but not in the sexual sense. However by 1995 i had finally worked out my sexual frustrations by, well... i was now an avid consumer of lesbian porno after ghost in the shell. So that helped.

Roleplaying Games in the US instead, at least in Hendersonville where i was... the complete opposite, nobody would bat an eye at having girls at the table. But nobody in game would play girls or races that were not humans elves dwarves and hobbits-equivalent. Not only was strictly "male vs male" where male guys were doing manly things that would often kill other male guys, but it was trite.

It was cliché.

It was "i roll to attack".

Long gone were the weird adventures into a wonderland with wits were the master themselves did not know how to solve a situation and would choose what worked based on either what made sense, or what the dice said or what was funny, depending on the mood of the moment. This was a slaugtherfest of manly men versus other manly men. This was "you do as i say or else". No matter who was the master at the table, the attitude was the same. Masters would talk shit of the players when they tried to be creative.

They called them "munchkins". They said that "munchkins try and game the system". Being creative was not a useful skill. It was severely frowned upon and stifled whenever possible. You died horribly. For some reasons, even choosing to be female was considered "too creative". For you were more often raped than not. And finding a "belt of sex change" was not a source of jokes and mirth, good for a laugh, and easily reversed with a few coins to the first priest that could remove a course, and even then only if you did not want to play a girl for shit and giggles which was often the case back at home.

Finding a "belt of sex change" meant that you were just about to get offed (or "just" raped... for whichever value of "just" you would apply in this case) if not in the very session in which you found it, then in the next. Actual girls would get more lenient treatment. But they did have to buy favours from the DM to keep playing a girl. In fact players were so used to getting killed for doing absolutely anything that they used topes and pulleys to even open any door they found. Any. Door.

Which is why i turned to comics. Specifically Manga. Masamune shirow seemed to almost get me. He had android women, normal women any kind of fantasy women. They were strong. They kicked ass. They took names. They chewed bubble gum and liked their teensy tiny tanks of mass destruction. Plus strong women were in both sides, both as heroes and as villains. I never liked mainstream heroic american comics. But i really liked manga.

So i came back home.

I was sick of roleplaying games, but i had a few ASFR pay sites and several of them with girl on girl porno and open maintenance panels. Again. The *least compromise* possible. If i could not have my female machine of destruction that loved me and that i could help without those nasty "dom/sub" relationships that did not really meet my tastes.

I also continued with my love of manga. I started reading Dragonball right during the Android 18 and 17 saga, loved Android 18 (even though she was a gynoid in name only) and really, really loved that she got hooked with Crilin and got a girl from their relationship. I was living my fantasy vicariously via them two. It also helped that the comic was not as boring as the cartoon. I tried watching a couple of episodes and shut down the TV in disgust.

Meanwhile i got shamed at my last year of school for reading comics. It was not as bad as "The joke" or at least it did not feel as much.

And that's when i started losing blood. Lots of blood.

Turns out that all those years of stress did do some damage, and i got a psychosomatic illness that made me lose blood from the large intestines.

But i trudged on. I took medications, thankful of being back in italy where the national welfare paid for it. I finished high school in italy too and went to the university.... in yet another city.

This was a big city, and it had a comic book store.

I continued reading comics, i continued playing games, i even got back into roleplaying, confirming that it was at the very least that group of idiots from Hendersonville that did not know how to play fun. I got a better computer and finally started becoming an electronic engineer with a specialization in computer databases and programming. That's all i wanted from life.

Then the lessons started. And again. While in the US the teachers had no problems in answering my questions here in italy they did have a problem. And the other students too had problems with it. I was interfering with their ability to get the grades they wanted. I got bullied.

First i found my scooter upside down, emptied of the gasoline.

Then a few weeks later that had put sugar in it.

Then they started talking mean to me directly.

I quit attending classes. Fact is.... in italy you didn't have to attend any class.

In order to pass, you just had to show up at the exam at the end of term and get passing grades. If you did not pass that exam, there was an exam each week all year long, though usually after the first 3 or 4 which were held in classes you went directly to the teacher's study room where the exam was tailored to you, that is: the teacher checked if you knew what you failed the previous time. Or at least it used to be like that, it has changed a lot since i got my master's degree.

Fact is: i went into full paranoia due to the harassment, i stayed into my room and even when i went to the exam, often times i would literally flee from the classroom because i was afraid of all those people.

This did not apply to the comic shop or to the roleplaying group. I had no problem there. This applied only to university. I even found a new site that suited a lot of my tasted: Robotgirls.com it became immediately my favourite.

So i lagged behind and my illness worsened.

After 5 years, which would normally mean you would have had your master's degree finished i only had half the exams needed. At least here in italy going to college for five years costs just about as much as a couple of months of an american college (expenses such as books and travel excluded) so i was not literally killing my family by lagging behind (fun fact: if you go for a master's degree in italy you can't quit mid-way to get a bachelor's degree... or... again... it used to be like that before all the reformations) but they were not happy. They gave me an ultimatum. Either i would get my degree in 2 years or i would have to get back at home without my master's degree.

And that's when also my psychosomatic illness went full out.

6 months later I was hospitalised.

I could not eat anymore due to perforations, i had a catheter that entered between my collar bone and my shoulder blade and went down into the heart to deliver nourishment directly in the blood. I lost 20 kilograms going down to the low 70s of kilograms and could barely move anymore.

And while i was in bed, preparing for surgery... that's when the police raided me and took my computer away.

You might think it was because of my shady dealings with video games, but i had lost that vice once i was in the university, in a big town there were game stores with discount bins and you could get nice games just about one year old under 15 euros. It was much more satisfying that way. Sure i still had my collection of copied games, but it was not my main source of games anymore.

No. The low blow came from Robotgirls.com ... but no... that's still inexact. See. The problem with Robotgirls.com is that at that time (2002) there were no big sites that handled credit cart information for sex sites. It was all done via small credit card transaction companies. I don't even remember how the company serving Robotgirls.com was called. But apparently aside from Robotgirls.com they served a number of other fetish sites. And at least one of these sites had a specific fetish. Paedophilia.

The judge conducting the investigation did not know much about this newfangled stuff called internet.

- He saw a paedophile site.
- He saw who collected payments for that site.
- He asked for all the italians that had given that site their credit cards to handle.
- Without asking what they were paying for.

So this judge got thousands of names and thought to have found a large cluster of paedophiles. Mass investigation ensues. With raids, confiscations, etc. etc.

That year i underwent not one, but 4 surgeries, as my condition worsened from all the stress.

Meanwhile my family thought i was a paedophile.

Even my own lawyer interrogated me for several hours trying to get "the truth" out of me.

Eventually: They found nothing.

They did find all my copied games and was forced to pay for them.

They did find all my porn and displayed it to a committee that needed to assess if i was a paedophile.

But i was discharged.

Of course i am still flagged that i got investigated in a paedophile alert. Sometimes the police thankfully reminds me as if i could ever forget.

"Thankfully" i got out of the hospital with a full blown 70% handicap (italian standards) so i did not need to continue paying for several of my medications.

That's when i basically ceased to exist as a sexual being.

I might lurk, but i kept my presence at a minimum, and filled my hard drive with very regular porn as well as other fetishes i did not love particularly but not hate at all. I got a lot of furry stuff just because there are a lot of good artists there, many more than those that deal with gynoids/fem-bots/female-robots for some reasons. Also there are furry artists that deal with cybernetics.... so.... yeah.... i filed everything under a "fantasy" folder and stuck it besides a "normal" folder with normal ladies not posing as anything fucking other ladies or males (i do still prefer female on female) and i carefully keep this one folder at least twice the size of the "fantasy" and keep the "fantasy" at least 10 times the size of the ASFR content in it. So i only got free stuff and never paid for it. I was too afraid.

3 years later, while still recovering from the surgeries i tried to commission online a few drawing of "races" for my fantasy campaign setting in my roleplaying game for the people that came visiting me every week.

Basically the only people that did believe that i was not a paedophile were those in my roleplaying group.

Even my very own mother in those years every now and then would ask me if i really had never paid for child porn.

But of course paying online could not go unnoticed, so when they saw that i paid for a few drawings they nearly killed me with guilt saying that i was a desperate case, that i was still trying to get in trouble after all that happened and paranoia ensued. I asked the guy that i paid to finish the series of drawing i had purchased telling him little more than "just draw me this D&D monster here" but the guilt trip did not end.

Once i was able to attend university yet again the guilt trip did not stop and my parents removed my credit card and sent me back to allowances. I was 25 but it felt i was 11.

Luckily the fact that i was now a recognisably disabled person allowed me to get discounts nearly anywhere, i did not need to pay university fares anymore, public busses were not exactly free but almost, and the university even gave me a free house, which i did not have to share with other students to cut costs.

But i still was unable to finish university. I was too terrorised of anything at this point. If i went to try an exam, most of the times i just sat there confused and after a while i fled. That went on for about a year.

I sought Psych help. That helped. A lot.

It did not fare well with my family though. They thought i was a disgrace because i was "faking mental illnesses" to put them on a guilt trip.

Despite everything i was able to finish graduation. Again, scraping the bottom of the barrel, little more than the minimum to get a master's degree, but i was able to do it.

Jump forward several years later you see me now as i am. I am still confined most of the times in bed, due to... well... you can't just have your intestines removed and live normally, but i still live. My family keeps me under control, but have allowed me to start using internet to make expenses.

I never married.

And at nearly 40 i am still a virgin.

I am still terrified of what "girls" would think of me.

I am afraid to ask most women i see in case they turn out not to be of age for whatever reason. Except that those who look the part... well... they all obviously have "the ring"...

I still refer to myself as a kid and i have a lot of guilt complexes for very stupid stuff.

I still try to draw as little attention as possible online. I don't have facebook for example.

I still play roleplaying games. But at leas i saw in the "forge" movement that other people had noticed in the US what i had noticed in 1996. So i heartily joined this movement and do buy indie games every now and then even though i never end up playing them because i still love my D&D and its warforged, half constructs, caryatids and other golems...

And my master's degree... well... i never built my robot girl company. I now manage photo-voltaic parks. And since an master's electronic degree is the wrong title for the job i work on the management software that helps me manage the parks and keep them under control. A very minor company that gets on with the proceedings from a couple of peak megawatts.

That's who i am.

But i decided to tackle a few things. I can't go on living like this. I still prefer to stay silent and anonymous, but i will not keep pretending i don't exist at all.

dieur
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Re: That's who i am.

Post by dieur » Sun May 21, 2017 12:37 pm

That's really sad. You've been gaslighted to the nth degree.

I like how R-man said it. Here's wishing you strength to accomplish the change you seek. Change isn't easy or fast but it is possible!

--NightBattery--

Re: That's who i am.

Post by --NightBattery-- » Sun May 21, 2017 12:58 pm

oh wow, what an impressive story.
seems like acute shyness is something common among us.
good luck BD.
I think you already faced the worst possible- many live their lives in fear of trials like that.
I hope you feel free now to do what you want to.
Regards...

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